Lowered Expectations

Hey, Hey ya'll

2006-11-02T16:01:00.000-05:00

I know I haven't been here for a minute but I just don't get a chance to be on the internet the way I used to be. Damn job actually has me working and what-not! The nerve of some places of employment. They hire you and then actually give you something to do to earn you money. Well, I graduated on the 27 and it rained on my damn head. I had just bought new shoes and they got soaked. So let that be a lesson to me.

So what has been going on with me? Well aside from having a better paying job that gives me benefits (and no I am not satisfied. Still looking for a better job, I just can't help it.) and all that jazz, I am still on the hunt for a better apartment. The people at my job can be cool but still a little funny (and not funny--haha).

*Beloved and I are alright. Don't ask me how for how much longer but what can I say. It was a good run and "Je regret rien!" He hasn't decided if he wants to stay here and find work with what he is learning in school or go to FL. to be with his father.

*Big Sis is spazing out about her boyfriend/baby's father. Last night she calls me at two in the morning to ask me to go on line and see if I can find his myspace page. At first I thought she was joking but then I realized that she had better be serious waking me up at that damn time in the morning. But then I told her that if she is going through all of this that she really needs to leave that dude alone. He is making her crazier than she normally is! She said that she is finding all this "proof" of him cheating on her but she just wants to catch him. Yeah I did the Scooby-doo sound too! I then told her that if she isn't careful that she is gonna need a cootchie transplant and they don't offer those yet! She laughed and then gave me another site to check out. So it looks like I will have to start putting aside bail money or maybe I should put up some commissary.

*Prince now thinks that everything I say is just so damn funny. I can't stand it, every time he does it I am two seconds from beating that ass. But his grandmother tells me that he can't help it and that it is just a phase that he is going through right now. I think that a belt to that ass will help him along. But I shouldn't say that because my friend *DQ just got her job act ACS (child services in NYC).

*P, my father has promised to get me a car but I have yet to see that come yet. He promise lots but actually delivers little. All I can do is just wait to see if he'll actually deliver on this one. I never asked him for a vehicle but he said he'll give me one.

Not really much going on over here but ya'll know I will keep you informed. Shit, I gotta go. I heard someone call my name, they trying to make me work again. DAMN THEIR EYES!!!

DAMN YOU BLOGGER MONSTER!!!!!

2006-10-14T22:15:00.000-04:00

I JUST POSTED A LONG DRAWN OUT ENTRY ABOUT WHAT I HAVE BEEN DOING FOR THE PAST FEW WEEKS AND THE DAMN BLOGGER MONSTER HAS JUST EATEN MY DAMN ENTRY!! DAMN YOU BLOGGER !! (RAISING FIST IN ANGUISH!!) WHY??? WHY?? I TYPED OUT THAT ENTRY WITH LOVE YOU WILD WILDERBEAST!!!! HOW DARE YOU JUST EAT MY ENTRY LIKE THAT!! I DARE YOU TO EAT THIS ONE YOU MIGHTY SMITER OF BLOGS!! EAT IT!! DAMN YOU!!! DAMN YOUR EYES TO THE FARTHEST REACHES OF FROZEN HELLL!!!

I may repost what I previously tried to post later. It was about love lost, anger, new found riches and all that good stuff! Aww who am I kidding? My life isn't that interesting.

Doing the Dance of Joy

2006-09-16T10:24:00.000-04:00

Yeah I know I am so showing my age because I am showing that I used to watch a show called "Perfect Strangers". But that is not the point of this entry. The point is that I tried to wait it out and I cried and I prayed and I finally just let go and My G-d, My G-d, did not fail me.

As some of you know my last day of school is next week Thursday and my graduation is on the 27 of October. Now normally this would be a good thing but my job is for students only. Meaning that I will lose my job shortly after the day I stop going to school. Even if I signed up for school again (which wouldn't be until January) I would be out of work at least until then. I was crying because I was about to be so broke (more than I am normally) and winter is coming and with no money this was gonna be a harsh one. But I finally got offered a new position with my job that is salaried!!! It doesn't pay over the top amounts of money but damn it, it pays!!! And it pays regularly!!! I am so damn happy.

My graduation is coming and ya'll guess what I am a candidate for VALEDICTORIAN!! I am so excited. I had no idea that I was even in the running. I thought my G.P.A. was too low (3.84) for it but I guess not. Well I gotta go. I have to write some sort of speech for the ceremony that is due on the 20th and I haven't started yet. Well I have an outline at least. I'm not that bad.

Lowered Expectations...

2006-09-07T17:40:00.000-04:00

I get hurt very easily. I put up a brave front and try to make others think that I am tougher and harder and alot more callous than I am.

With *Dammitman, he used to be able to make me cry at the drop of a hat. The things he would say to me would make it hard to think that this was the same person who told me that he loved me for years. My expectations from him are that he tells me that he is going to do something for our son and I expect it. I expect him to behave like a human being and for some reason he disappoints me at every damn turn! I need to lower my expectations. At the end of the day when my son doesn't have school shoes no one will look for his father and say, "What the hell is his problem." They will look at my barefoot child and say that I am unfit. Not fair but it is the truth.

With my mother, I expected her to raise me and be there for me when I need it. What in the hell was I thinking? She had my grandmother raise me. And when I (used to) try to confront her on it she would tell me that I had a selective memory. I don't think so. To this day I remember bits and snatches of my mother being around. My grandmother always was there. I need to lower my expectations of what I wanted her to be and come to the realization that she was the type of mother that she was. And nothing in my bitterness will change that.

With my "friend" *Wagon-maker (he hates that name...all of a sudden, but I have called him that since we were 14), I expect him to behave like a friend. We have known each other since I was 13. We were just about as thick as thieves in high school. For some strange reason he now acts as if I am the one who is avoiding him when he doesn't call me and he has walked past me in the street. I am tired of being the only one who is "trying" to remain friends. Even though he goes through so much to tell me that he values our friendship. Yeah the hell right. He sure doesn't act like it.

Hell right now not even *Beloved is immune from this rant. He comes to my jobtoday and when he sees me he asks what is wrong I tell him that my head hurts. He says that he is going to see his friends and go to the movies. I ask him before he leaves if he can run out and get me something for my headache. He tells me that he has to meet up with his friends. I just had to walk away from him. Because I was just so gonna cuss him out. I need to lower my expectations of what I think a caring significant other does. I feel that since his friend is always late the one time that I ask him to do me a solid before he has to go somewhere (only because I couldn't get out of my job for another few hours) he shouldn't have minded. But what in the hell was I thinking? His friend will damn near trip over himself to get to his girlfriend for the simplest shit. I don't try to pull this with *Beloved. Not because I wouldn't get it (and I know that is what you are thinking *L) but because that is not my personality. I don't harass him when he is with his friends but his friend's border line psycho chick does. But damn if he (the friend) doesn't show more devotion to her. I guess I need to lower my exoectations of what I think shows that someone cares.

I know some may say that I shouldn't lower my standards for anything but when you are so used to having your feelings hurt because you expect the best out of people and they only give you the worst it kinda makes you jaded to everything. Maybe if I stop looking for the humanity in people and start paying attention to how people act and treat me instead of how they tell me they feel.

No Touchy...

2006-09-05T20:06:00.000-04:00

While I was work today this guy was standing with (I would hope) his girlfriend. Now this wouldn't stand out so much but he was just standing there just a squeezing her breast like he was at home. The funny thing about it is that she was just letting him. Now the other person who was on desk with me pointed it out and I said (maybe a bit) loud that I would have slapped the living hell out of him.

Let's be real we have all been molested (the type from a significant other)in public and it wasn't a big deal. But those little grabs are when the other person doesn't see anyone looking and it is only for a second. This dude was going over board and he started groping both of her breasts in the middle of the room. She was clearly embarrassed (the poor girl turned beet-red) but that didn't stop him from doing it. I would have pushed his hands off and if that didn't work I would have proceeded to "dus 'im to frazzle."

It was just so damn sad the way he was treating her like she had no feelings about the whole situation. I mean she was trying to get away and he was just trying to hold her down to continue his groping. He didn't stop until he noticed that we staring at him and I had picked up the phone to call security. Then he looked at us like we stole his cookie. That man needs to be ashamed of himself.

I know that my *Beloved touches and pinches but that is when no one is looking and then it is only for a second. The bold grabs are only done behind closed doors and then that is something different. I can't see how she could be with someone who didn't respect her body. But then again I was with someone who didn't respect mine for a time. I just hope that she will realize that this guy is a loser and make him stop that shit. Because I swear I was embarrassed for her.

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

2006-08-31T15:17:00.000-04:00

World`s Greatest Lover? Maybe not.

I shouldn't be looking at stuff like this when I am at work.

How to eat sugar cane...

2006-08-24T14:26:00.000-04:00

Do you remember reading the book "The Women of Brewster Place?" Well in the beginning of the book, Butch was telling Mattie Michael how to eat sugar cane. He basically told her that when you are eating it you have to chew it just long enough. Well it was more like he was telling her that she had to know when to stop chewing so she wouldn't end up with a mouthful of straw that does nothing more than irritate the roof of your mouth. He told her that she would have to stop chewing just before all the flavor was gone, right when you know that the last bite is gonna be the sweetest and it almost eludes you.

The purpose of this entry is not to talk about sugar cane. It is meant to make me and any other readers know when to let go. The above was only to make you think about how hard you try to hold on to something that is no longer working. Sometimes you work so hard at trying to keep something going because you think it makes sense but it really is just causing pain in the long run.

I have been giving a lot of thought to the way I have been holding on to things in my life that have been hurting or at least showing that they are going to start hurting me and I have been trying to figure out how I could change myself so that it wouldn't. I have come to realize that I need to stop worrying about making myself change to fit when no one and nothing is going to change to fit me.

I have to stop thinking about how I want things to work out when it will never be that way. I would like for everything to be rosy in my life but it is just not gonna happen. I would like for things to go smoothly but it doesn't work that way. I have held on the things and people in my life that have done nothing more than hurt my feelings continuously and damn it, it is my fault. I allow these people to stay and affect me.

I am seeing for the first time in a while that I let others determine my mood and that isn't right. Yesterday, *Beloved told me that I haven't been to same in about three weeks and I didn't even notice. I have been letting my internship, school, work, my son's father, my lack of success at finding another job, and lack of sleep get to me. I guess I do have a full plate but me walking around with it showing on my face isn't gonna stop it. All I can do it let go and let GOD.

Random Thoughts of the Day....

2006-08-14T17:54:00.001-04:00

Last night another one of my son’s teeth came out and I am so proud. I don’t know what to do with myself. But I think that is like two teeth in the past two months. I have no idea if that is normal or not. I hope no more of his teeth come out soon. He has had a mouth full of teeth for so long that it is a little weird for me to see him with little gaps in his mouth from missing teeth.

I have yet to actually sit down and write my thesis for English. I know what I want to write about but I have no idea how or where to start. I have the materials from the electronic databases, some web sites, but no actual books yet. I should go to the lending library and see what they have on the subject. The problem is I have no desire to go all the way to Harlem to get some of the materials. I know it is lazy but you have to understand that I hate going uptown. And I swear I wouldn’t if I didn’t have sandwiches (inside joke with *Beloved) in Parkchester. I live in Brooklyn and I only work in MidTown. I pisses me off to go even a block out my damn way.

I have been told that I might get a promotion to a lending library. I really don’t want to go because it is out of the way and the position means that I would have to deal with the public more often than I do now. And I barely deal with them. But the pay is a little better than what I am making now. Aw hell who am I kidding? The pay is a lot better than what I am making right now. What I make now isn’t even on a bracket. If I get the position I will be making in the mid 20s. Not that this amount is even enough to live like a slob in NYC. But factor in that I have a child, now I make just enough to live like a really broke, staving and no light having slob.

I swear life stinks. Especially now, it is summer and folks either can’t afford deodorant or no longer care that they don’t have it. The level of B.O. in the city is ridiculous. I wonder how these people can even stand around themselves. I would run away from me if I smelled like half of these people do.

Speaking of the city, what the hell is in the water? Every where I go I see women who are all knocked up! It is like it is an epidemic. I have never seen so many breeders in my life at any one time. And I was pregnant so I have been to a maternity ward and to the damn check ups every month. But I swear I see a new bunch of pregnant women every few feet. And I swear if they rub their pregnant cooties on me I am going to scream. I swear I am starting to think that pregnancy is contagious. Three women at my internship just confirmed pregnancies and a few at my job! I really hope that they are not spitting their pregnancy spores into the damn air. I am so not having it!

Well that is enough of my randomness for today.

2006-08-12T17:41:00.000-04:00

dutty wine COLOMBIAN STYLE

Damn this man is putting women I know to damn shame, myself included.

What you call me??

2006-08-08T20:28:00.000-04:00

Why is my "friend" mad at me because I called her a Spic? Before you get upset with me blog world, this female continually greets me with "What's up my nigga?" Now when I told her that this was totally unacceptable, she told me that she was only using it as a greeting and so I shouldn't get upset. I told her that I was offended and she told me that I was just being sensitive. I don't think that I was being sensitive about her calling me a nigga. I am totally offended. I don't call anyone that and so I don't think that she should call me that. I can't stop her from using that horrible word but I felt that I should be able to ask her not to call me that.

Now I don't think that racial slurs are nice nor are they appropriate and most often when I tell someone that I don't like them calling me something that person will stop. So it was a surprise to me that she looked at me like I didn't know that the word had some how changed meaning and now means ace boon coon. Now I am not gonna lie, I call my sister *Big Sis on the phone and the first thing out of my mouth is "hey ugly". But she knows I love her and besides she started. My friend *DQ I call her a moo-cow all the time. Hell she calls me heifa. But when it comes to the racial slurs, I want to draw the line.

Really do you hear Indians (the ones from India) calling each other "Towelhead", white folks calling each other "Cracka-ass cracka", or Mexicans calling each other "Wetback"? The list can go on and on, but the answer is NO!!! But you will hear them call each other "nigga" or "nigger" like it is alright. Hell even the more adventurous ones will call a "friend", "nigga" if they think that they are close enough.

All I can say is that I am rather proud of myself because I didn't slap the brown out of her eyes. However, if she calls me that again I might not be so damn nice.

Stealing from Chele again...

2006-08-05T16:37:00.000-04:00

Two for Tea.

Two Names You Go By:
1. But Mommy (by my Prince)
2. Heifa (Thanks DQ)

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
1. My co worker's jacket
2. A pair of Bebe jeans

Two Things You Would Want in a Relationship:
1. Respect
2. Honesty

Two Things You Want Really Badly At This Moment:
1. A nap
2. My own jacket, this one doesn't cover everything.

Two of Your Favorite Hobbies:
1. Does napping count?
2. Reading

Two pets you have had:
1. A hermit crab named Sabastian
2. A cat named Lightning

Two people who will fill this out:
1. No one
2 Not a damn clue

Two things you did last night:
1. Ate some Chinese food
2. Typed a paper

Two Favorite Places to eat:
1. Monster Sushi
2. Red Lobster

Two things you ate today:
1. Chicken
2. A Coke float - Coca-cola with vanilla ice cream

Two people you Last Talked To:
1. Some random patron asking me something. Don't they have nerve.
2. My co worker who was wondering why I have on her sweater.

Alright this time I am stealing from Chele...

2006-08-03T18:04:00.000-04:00

Then and Now
10 years ago and now

1) How old were you?
Then: I was 15 almost 16 in two months.
Now: I am 25 and almost 26 in two months.

2) Where did you work?
Then: I didn't work. I was in high school.
Now: I work at the Library.

3) Where did you live?
Then: I lived at home with my Grandma in East New York.
Now: I live in Crown Heights.

4) How was your hairstyle?
Then: Most likely braids.
Now: I have locs.

5) Did you wear contacts?
Then: Nope.
Now: Nope.

6) Did you wear glasses?
Then: Occasionally.
Now: No.

7) Which of your pets were still alive?
Then: A cat named Tage.
Now: A ktten named Smokey.

8) Who was your boyfriend/girlfriend?
Then: Oh lord don't even make me think about that damn fool. This whole entry would get ugly.
Now: My Beloved. *Blush* Wow, I still have a boyfriend at my age. Oh well!

9) Who was your celebrity crush?
Then: Larenz Tate
Now: Larenz Tate

10) How many piercings did you have?
Then: Six. Three in each ear.
Now: Eight. Three in each ear. One in my tongue and a triangle piercing. *Check out this site and look for it.*

11) How many tattoos did you have?
Then: None
Now: I have five.

12) What was your favorite band/singer?
Then: I have no clue.
Now: It depends on my mood. Right now it is Me'Shelle Nedegochello.

13) Had you smoked a cigarette?
Then: Yes.
Now: Not in a while.

14) Had you gotten drunk?
Then: Nope.
Now: Yes. But not often.

15) What kind of car did you drive?
Then: I rode the iron horse.
Now: I ride the iron horse.

16) Looking back, are you where you thought you would be in 2006?
Then: I thought I would have had a happy family with the guy I was with. God I was young and stupid. We would have finished college and just now been working on our family.
Now: *Looking around* Well I have the kid. And I am getting my Associate's next month.

Someone left the heat on HELL....

2006-08-02T17:59:00.000-04:00

How ya'll doing? I haven't written since I changed the place up but that is because in the good old NYC it is hotter than Satan's balls. I swear if I had a pair I know they would be sweating in all this damn heat. I have not idea what is going on. They say we have atleast on more day of this madness but I hate sweating. It is nasty and so damn unsanitary. I swear if one more person asks me if it is hot enough for me I am gonna lose what little bit of my religion I have left. It isn't even the dog days of August yet. I tell you this can't be right.

New Look...

2006-07-27T13:46:00.000-04:00

Hey ya'll I put up a new look last night and then forgot to post. I figure if I try to look more inviting, my entries will be more positive. Then I realized that I was just fooling myself. I'll probably be just as jaded and mean as before if only to make up for the fact that my site now look more cuddly. Besides *Beloved told me before that my site looked depressing and that my entries were also. So I figure that if it looks nice and cute then you won't feel bad when you leave my site. I post again when I have something else to grip about. I mean when I have something more meaningful to say.

I don't think what they did was so bad...

2006-07-22T13:55:00.000-04:00

Look here

Now when I read this, my first instinct was to fall out laughing. Because I think those people deserved what the hell they got. I don't think that people who were robbed have any legs to stand one. But that is just my opinion. Now I'm not saying that the people should have been harmed but they should realized that what happened to them could have been a lot worse! I mean in other countries, they beat a child molester to damn near death. And I think we should do that here but then the people involved would have charges pressed against them. I do think that the police should jut offer them probation and a job helping them catch child molesters.

I got this in email...

2006-07-18T17:55:00.000-04:00

Waxing?...maybe not

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal-the epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and not the wax. My night began as any other normal weeknight. come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind fr the next feew hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So i headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your haand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or whatever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1,000 degrees. ("Cold wax, yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! Ok, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this, I told myself! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my underwear and place on foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip acroos the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my who-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself...RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blind from the pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay consious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe , breathe...OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it.

Where's the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the tooilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...(remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet?) I now need to do something. So I put my foot down. DAMN!!!!!!I hear the slamming of a cell door. Who-ha? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to pee. My head may pop off" What can I do to melt the wax?? Hot water!!

Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand in the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right?? WRONG!!!!!!! I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!! I call my friend, thining surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter: "So, my butt ans who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, " Are we talking cheeks or what?" She's laughing out loud by now.. I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's ight.

While we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feel better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I;m pretty sure I;m going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace...the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's soooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!!! It works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair...THE HAIR IS SITLL THERE.....ALL OF IT!!!!!!!! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg att his point. Next week I'm going to try hair color....

Life Aint Fair...

2006-07-10T21:04:00.000-04:00

I know that life isn't fair and all but it is just that life seems to want use me as the butt of its great joke. I started my internship today and it sucks major hairy linty ass. I have accepted that I will not be paid for this shit but damn if I don't get to class today and find out that just about everyone else in my class has an internship that is paid. I don't think this is fair at all. I asked the coordinator to set me up with an internship that would at least give me a small stipend. She told me that I should just take the one that was offered to me because they wanted me and they were a good company. So I took it in good faith. But now I am feeling a little bitter and angry that I am working for free.

It is bad enough with that but I have to dress professionally but I have no damn money. I am broke like a bad joke. To add insult to injury and this is a real injury, a piece of my filling came out. Where am I supposed to get money for that? I am just hoping that I don't get any pain until my next pay period which only happens to be in two weeks. *sob* This shit ain't fair. I work hard and don't complain when they take my taxes (let's be real I am in the tax bracket where they just take there money from me), I read my Bible, I even pray. I mean it isn't on hands and knees but I like to think that My Creator doesn't mind when we talk on the train, while cooking or any of my other duties. But that is something else. My thing is I think I deserve a break. I have gone through plenty of hardships for no good reason. I would really like to know what I am to learn from this. I am tired of struggling while others are just handed the simpler life. I look at friends and relatives who I would love to trade lives with just for a day so I can escape my stress and show them that to complain about having to wait on a bus instead of taking a cab is not real hardship.

I know that life isn't gonna be rosy and sweet and shit but I would just like to have a break in life. You know a positive one not one that involves me breaking a limb or something.

Catching up....

2006-06-30T13:38:00.000-04:00

Whoo...I gotta dust in here. I haven't been here in a minute now. But how ya'll doing? How ya'll mommma's doing? Enough about ya'll this is my blog...

I finished another term and I am now three months closer to getting my degree. I am so excited. I also got my grades, I got four As and a B+. I was surprised at the B+ not because I didn't deserve it but because I actually thought I was gonna get lower than that.

My son left last night to go to South Carolina with his grandmother. I swear that little boy can travel. He has been to more countries and states in his little life than the average broke person can afford to go to. Every time his grandmother leaves the state she takes him with her. And damn if I don't trip over myself to pack his bags. The only problem is now that my son is gone his father didn't even wait for his to be fully gone before he was asking "If I had some time for him or If I had something for him". I swear he just knows how to fuck a good thing like us not talking. This trifling male will refuse to speak to me, tell me about his fuck-scapades, and all but he will come to me and ask for ass. I can't stand him.

*Beloved and I are trying to work things out. He and I have discussed his reasons for the break (he says that I took it wrong, I say whatever). As of right now we are together but I still don't completely feel the same about him as I did before. Not that I don't care for him but I guess it is that I don't trust him completely. He knows this as I have told him. He says that he is gonna try to fix it so we'll see.

I have accepted that I will have to work for free with the damn internship. I don't want to but I have no other choice as didn't find another job that would qualify for me to not have to be an intern. Some people might like the idea of working for free but I don't. I want to be paid for my services because the company is gonna work me like a dog anyway. So why not let everyone get something out of this arrangement.

Gotta go. Ya'll know I do my blogging from work.

Needing a job....

2006-06-22T18:02:00.000-04:00

For the school I am in, the last quarter you attend you need to take an internship or have a job in your related field. Well as my job is not I have to take the internship. I, however, am loathe to do that. I have no immediate desire to work for free. I would rather work in two places than to work for free for anyone.

I went on two interviews today. One outside of my job which turned out to be a temp agency. I swear those little fuckers are getting tricky. Now they don't even tell you that it is an agency until you get there and you realize that you are filling out an application and they hand you a damn "packet". I asked the guy who called me *RJ what the position was for and he told me Junior Admin, he didn't tell me through and agency. Damn his eyes! I was told that I was liked but don't they tell everyone that. Hell if you go into a temp agency and you tell them that all you know is your alphabet they will still find you a job. So why the hell can't they find me one. Yes I know that I am picky. Because I have a job already I refuse to leave it for a one day assignment. I prefer the temp to perm assignments or the permanent ones.

The second interview was a for a different position in my current job. It is for a Senior Admin. in the bugdeting department. I was told that the interview went rather well and that she the lady who did the first interview would tell the second person to interview today about me. *eyes rolling* I have been told this madness before and still did not get the position because of fucking office politics and the such.

Then I get back to my desk and all my shit is removed from it. At first I damn near passed out, because all I could think was "OH SHIT WAS I FIRED AND NO ONE TOLD ME?? Hell the bastard could have at least told me before I got to work or told me yesterday so I wouldn't have wasted the train fare!!! WHY ME LORD??!???!?!?!?" But it turned out that to add insult to injury of not giving me a position that I will have to train a motherfucker in, the new person is being given my cubicle. I was fit to be tied the whole damn day. I mean shit they saw me come in today, they could have just asked me to move my shit, hell they could have let me know that they wanted my damn cubicle. I know company policy but all I ask is that I be given one as replacement before you kick me out of my shit? Don't have me thinking that I got fired. I mean damn do I ask for much.

On the lighter side of my life I finally got my raise on my check. Now all I have to do is wait for the back pay and all will be good. After I pay all the people I have robbed tomorrow, I will have exactly $33 left for myself for the next 2 weeks before I have to pay off more people I rob on a daily basis.

But back to my original rant, if you are reading this blog, leave a note telling of where some one is hiring. I could really use it. I'm a good worker. I am not promising that I won't cuss out the manager if he or she proves to be a butt munch but I will promise not to do it to his or her face! *BIG GRINS*

Voodoo Dick....

2006-06-19T18:10:00.000-04:00

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except.... and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'" "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yeah, right.. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

Embarrassing Moments...

2006-06-19T18:05:00.000-04:00

Now the following did not happen to me. I would admit if my ass did something this embarrassing because as ya'll know, you guys are all up in my business anyway. But here it goes.

This one actually happened at Harvard University in October of this year in a biology class; the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked, 'If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose in male semen as in sugar?' 'That's correct,' responded the professor, going
on to add statistical information. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, 'Then why doesn't it taste sweet?' After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books with out a word and walked out of class...and
never returned. However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's reply was classic... Totally straight-faced he answered her question, 'It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat.

While in line at the bank one afternoon, this lady's toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. She was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. The lady told her daughter that if she did not start behaving 'right now,' she would be punished. To the lady's horror, the little girl looked her in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!' The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! The lady mustered up the last of her dignity and walked out of the bank with her daughter in tow. The last thing she heard when the door closed behind her were screams of laughter.

How to love your Jamaican man...

2006-06-13T19:47:00.000-04:00

It is a good thing I don't have a Jamaican man. Good grief, if this is the only way I can show him I love him then I don't want him. For those who don't speak or can't read patois, I shall translate.

1. Never ask where yu man has been, where him coming from or where him going Don't always feel him going to another woman. If yu treated him right he will soon come back. If him don't come back, well you have to work pon dat!
Never ask where your man has been, where he is coming from or where he is going. Don't always thinks he is going to another woman. If you treat him right he will come back. If he doesn't, well you have to work on that. I wish his ass would just up and disappear and not let me know where the hell is going or where he has been! There would be some furniture moving!!!

2. Always make sure de food deh pon de table when him come thru de door. Member, "regular fried dumpling keeps your man a humping".
Always make sure that dinner is on the table when he comes home. Remember, a regular fed man gives better sex. I will only cook if his ass deserves it. I have no problem with making food for me and my son and making sure not even the garbage gets something.

3. Don't forget the "Irish Moss" and "Guinness". A nuff ah dem like pork, but just don't call it pork ... yu mad! Call it a fancy foreign name like ham or franks! Ah it dem mother did grow dem up pon.
Don't forget the "Irish Moss" and "Guinness". And alot of them like port, but don't call it that. Call it a fancy name like ham or hot dog. It is the samething their mother's fed them as children. Irish Moss is some nasty stuff!! It is like it slides down your throat on its own. And plenty of Jamaican men will "thump" you down in the street if you feed them pork. I wouldn't advise this one.

4. Never get upset if he accidentally sleeps with yuh friend, sister, or even mother. That only means he is a good man, dem would have never slept with him if him was worthless! Is dem fault fi a pressure him!
Don't get upset if he accidentally sleeps with your friend, sister, or even mother. That only means he is a good man, they wouldn't have slept with him if he was worthless. It is their fault that they pressured him.
I wish a motherfucka would!!!! I am gonna leave it like that! This shit deserves an ass whipping but that is just my opinion.

5. Never tell yuh man seh yu pregnant - well, not til yuh hide him passport!
Never tell your man that you are pregnant-at least not until you hide his passport! Alright I agree with this one. Just to make sure that he doesn't get away, and if in the States, get his social.

6. Never ask how many baby mother yuh man have. Dis may lead to embarrassment because him may have lost count.
Never ask how many baby mothers he has. This may lead to embarrassment because he may not remember anymore. I would have to ask cause I refuse to beome baby moddah number 15.

7. If him grab yuh up! Tell him that's not how to show love, some think that is the way but don't call de police. It don't mek no sense, because you always end up bailing him out of jail.
If he yokes you up, tell him that's not how to show love, some think that is the way but don't call the police. It doesn't make sense because you will always end up bailing him out of jail. He put his hands on me, he might need to call the police on me. I took enough licks and kicks in my life, if a man gets to close to me I think he trying to make moves!

8. Never tell yuh man is not your real hair! Dem love long hair gal. Keep telling him dat you're half-Chinese or yu have Indjun in yuh family.
Never tell your man that your hair is not really yours. They long women with long hair. Keep telling him you're half-Chinese or that you have Indian in your family. That would so not work with my full head of natty dreads!!!

9. Don't listen to your girlfriends advice, especially if dem don't have no man. How can someone with no man tell you how to keep one. Dem always telling you that 'him controlling yu'. She just want someone to keep her company because she have no man. Some of dem even have funny intentions.
Don't listen to your girlfriends' advice, expecially if they don't have a man of their own. How can someone with no man tell you how to keep one? She just wants you to lose your man so you can be miserable with her. I can see where this one might make some sense.

10. Never ask to drive your man's car, or give him directions, or tell him to ask for directions when he is lost. Him soon find him way! Grin and bear it.
Never ask to drive your man's car, or try to give him directions, or tell him to ask for them when he is lost. He will find his way. Grin and bear it. Well if he wants to get himself lost, I will carry myself off to the correct location. I refuse to wander around if I know where I am going just to appease anyone's sense of pride.

11. Never ask for your man's home number and address ... some ladies get this strange idea after seeing their man fe three years and having several children for him that this somehow entitles dem to dis privileged information. Be realistic! The relationship is still in its early stages. However, your man might feel generous and offer up his cell phone or pager digits. Be grateful!!!
Never ask for your man's home number and address...some ladies get this strange idea that after seeing their man for three years and having several children for him that this somehow entitles them to this information. Be realistic! The relationship is still in its early stages. However, your man might feel generous and offer up cell phone number or pager. Be grateful!!! All I can say is BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! If I don't get a guys number the first time we speak I think something is going on. But I understand as some people don't have house phones anymore and I am one of them. But if I can't know where you live that is a warning sign slapping you in the face.

Come on home with me....

2006-06-06T15:41:00.000-04:00

Back in the day when I was young, I'm not a kid anymore. But some days I sit and wish I was a kid again. --Ahmad

I was talking to my friend *DQ the other day and we were talking about stuff that we remember from when we were younger. Basically we were just showing our age big time. Well the purpose of this post is that I want all of ya'll to come on home with me. Now you have to remember that I am an 80s baby so somethings will only apply to one of us but some will apply to all. Come on home with me...

Remember when

--You had to be home before the street lights came on. Not when they came on but before!
--You knew you were finally "grown" when you got to wear your hair in a ponytail on the side. And you were allowed to grow out your bang.
--You finally got your own hair scarf and not just a pair of old panty hose to keep your hairdo "fresh". or maybe your had to be west indian for this
--You got welts on your legs from playing double dutch with a phone cord
--You have heard this said to you when getting your hair "pressed", I didn't burn you, that was the steam from the grease.
--You wore biker shorts under a skirt and just knew you were so cute. This is double if you ever did the "running man" with this on.
--You wore beads in your hair and nearly blinded yourself by swinging them wildly.
--When someone told you that they need space, that meant for you to move over.
--When the commercials on TV didn't advertise tampons and you had to figure out what the blue liquid was for when they flashed the pad commercials. now they all out and tell you about coochie itch cream during dinner
--You and two other friends would split one of those long 25 cent ices. yeah you had to cut it in three pieces but you got to find out who wasn't really liked because that person got the piece in the middle, no end.
--When you finally got in the house someone told you that you smelled like "street" or if you are West Indian you smelled "green" and you had no idea what they were talking about. downside is now you do-yuck!!
--The high light of the day was when the ice cream man rode through your block and you had a dollar to get the cone.
--You looked at block partied with mixed emotions. Because you knew that when the parties started summer was almost over but you got a reason to leave your own block.

I know that this might not apply to all but these were the gospel for me. If you have any of your own feel free to leave them. Don't worry I won't talk about you showing your age.

Sex or Love....

2006-06-03T17:45:00.000-04:00

I was at Smartblkwoman's site and she was talking about open relationships and from some of the comments on her site led me to make this post.

I have been in open relationships before and as long as everyone is honest no one gets hurt. I think it works because everyone is one the same page and no one is left thinking that he or she is the one and only. There is no reason to lie about where you were or about why you were there. Everyone gets what they were looking for. Sometimes you get with someone who doesn't have the same sex drive as you and it would be better if this person went outside of the relationship with all parties knowing than to find out later that this person was cheating.

See to me open relationships make sense to me because I don't see sex as something that is all emotional. I see it as a physical urge that needs to be satisfied. Not much in difference than scratching that itch that you can't reach. The problem is when people allow sex or the pursuit of sex to change who they are. the problem starts when Jane starts to want more than Jack is willing to give. I'm not saying this doesn't or shouldn't happen but I just feel that Jane should be aware that Jackvdoesn't have to want she wants. Jack might be happy with the situation as it is. The problem is when Jane thinks that giving up some booty will make Jack love her and want to marry her. This almost never works out. Jack is happy for the ride and she needs to see that.

There is nothing wrong to me with having sex just because you enjoy it. But there is something wrong with thinking that someone will marry you just because you boke them off a piece. Don't get me wrong sharing your body and mind with someone is the ultimate sign of love and devotion. And I feel that doing that is the highest thing to ultimate happiness but that doesn't meant that the other person feels this way. Sex to some people is not no different than scratching an itch. Making love is something totally different.

Karma...

2006-05-31T19:02:00.000-04:00

Reincarnation offers hope to many. If we don't get it right in this life, we have another chance the next time around. Yet, even those who believe in reincarnation admit that the vast majority of humans do not remember their previous lives. How can we learn from our past mistakes if we cannot remember them? We seem to make the same mistakes over and over again. Given the moral failure rate of human history, do we have any reason to hope that we will get it right in a future lifetime?
Reincarnation also claims to insure justice. According to the law of karma (an unbending and impersonal rule of the universe), we get what we deserve in every life. Our good and bad deeds produce good and bad results from lifetime to lifetime. With karma, there is supposedly no unjust suffering, because no one is innocent. All suffering is deserved on the basis of bad karma. The baby born without legs deserved it, as did the woman who was raped. We all carry our karma into each life. There is no grace, no forgiveness, no mercy. Not only is this is not good news for those burdened down with the weight of a troubled conscience, but karma also conflicts with our moral sense that some suffering is undeserved and deserves our pity and our actions to alleviate it.

Taken from here

I have been thinking a lot about Karma and I have always felt that everyone at some time gets his or her just desserts at some point. I just thought that it would happen in this life time. Or actually I never really gave much thought to a person having another life time, past or future.

I guess I have been thinking about my own personal karma and how it is affecting me and those around me. Like my mother never raised me, my grandmother did; and I never gave much thought to the idea that my mother might not be happy about the fact that I call my grandmother Mama. In fact, even if it did bother her I probably wouldn't have cared at all. Not that I call her by her first name, I call her Mother only because that is who she is and I give her that much respect. But now, I went through my own personal hell on Earth to make sure that I raised my son and he treats me like I am not his mother. When I tell him to do something, he'll run to his father or his Nana like I didn't speak to him. Then when I snatch his ear and make him do what I said his father will want to intervene and that drives me crazy. I don't do that shit to him. If I don't like what he said or did then I talk to him about it after *Prince is out of the room.

But the Karma isn't just my relationship with my son. It is my relationship with everyone. I never had many friends, well I have tons of associates. People I would give money if they needed it, but no one I would really ask. I have always kept myself guarded and my real emotions about things hidden even from those very close to me, or so they thought they were. *but that is another entry* I guess I have to pay for the fact that I would snub my nose at attempts at friendship from some people. Don't get me wrong, I am a very outgoing person. I seem to make friends easily but I let cut them off as soon as I feel they are getting too close.

I let very few people in to see the real me. In fact, this blog is probably the only out I have at voicing my real feelings. I can count on one hand how many people I have allowed to know me on a real level. And two of the three have hurt me deeply. So I am real cautious about who I let see inside of my head. I don't think I will allow anyone else to get to know me that way again. Having what you tell people when you are hurt thrown in your face is the most degrading thing in the world. I would rather be slapped to the ground. At least then the sting fades and the bruise goes away. The pain from words spoke in vengeance to hurt; hurt the listener forever.

I guess my karma for pushing everyone away is finally catching up with me in that; I now am looking around and seeing that I don't have many friends or family to turn to. I don't have many people in my life who will share with me my joys about anything nor do I have anyone to share with me my sorrows. I guess my wall of detachment is starting to crumble.

Smoke and Ashes...

2006-05-30T16:37:00.000-04:00

I'd heard rumors and I'd heard talk
About the trail you'd left of broken hearts
About the sea of tears too wide to cross
But a little bad press has never scared me off
So I burned a path to figure out
How to get me some of what you got
I've got a red hot heart
If the talk is true yours is the same
And we should be together
And let our passions fan love's flame

When I looked for you I almost passed you by
You were so cool and calm I thought my friends had lied
But I thought so much reserve must make you wild inside
It was there and then that I knew I had to get some of what you got

I've got a red hot heart
If the talk is true yours is the same
And we should be together
And let our passions fan love's flame

I thought I'd won your heart when I held you hand in mine
I thought it was true love the way we complemented each other
But my right is your wrong
And when you're right then I'm left with nothing
Your light and your heat have all been spent
Leaving only smoke and ashes
Only smoke and ashes baby

I've got a red hot heart
Any your heart's as blue as the blood in your veins
I say there's fire down below
You say it's only smoke and ashes baby

I'm crying all the time
Salty stinging tears
And mourning for the past carbon-dated years
But knowing now for certain that you were always right
Because if a breeze could blow you out of my life
It's only smoke and ashes baby
Only smoke and ashes baby

I've got a red hot heart
And your heart's as blue as the blood in your veins
I say there's fire down below
You say it's only smoke and ashes baby

I was blinded by devotion
My unwavering love for you
So blinded that I thought all your lies were true
But now I know for certain since you've gone away
It was just a smoldering fire I mistook for a blaze
Only smoke and ashes baby

I've got a red hot heart
And your heart's as blue as the blood in your veins
I say there's fire down below
You say it's only smoke and ashes baby
Only smoke and ashes baby, baby...

Stolen from Nikki...again....

2006-05-25T16:41:00.000-04:00

1.WOULD YOU GET BACK WITH YOUR EX IF YOU COULD? Well since we just broke up on Friday...you know I have no idea. He gave me some thread bare reasons for the "break" as he put it.

2. WHAT KIND OF SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? I am wearing a USMC long sleeve t-shirt. Never been in the military but I have shirts from all the branches.

3. HAVE YOU MADE OUT WITH ANYONE ON YOUR BLOG ROLL*? No

4. DO YOU HAVE "A THING" FOR ANYONE ON YOUR BLOG ROLL? No

5. HOW MANY PEOPLE ON YOUR BLOG ROLL DO YOU KNOW/HAVE YOU MET IN REAL LIFE? Well I used to have BklynNative on my roll, but she doesn't post anymore.

6. HAVE YOU EVER PLAYED ANY SPORTS? I used to swim in High School.

7. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT TO HAVE? Well I have one right now. If I am to have anymore kids, I would have liked to have had them already. But if I do have anymore it would have to be a girl to make it two.

8. DO YOU HAVE A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH BOTH YOUR PARENTS? Um...well I speak to them every so often. And I don't hate them. Does that count?

9. DO YOU MAKE OVER 40K A YEAR? BWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-----SOB!!! I wish. I'd be able to afford toilet paper and bathsoap in the same pay period.

10. WHAT NAME WOULD YOU WANT TO HAVE BESIDES THE ONE YOU HAVE? I used to hate my name as a child but that was only because people acted as if they could't pronounce it correctly. Now I know they were just stupid.

11. WOULD YOU EVER MAKE OUT WITH SOMEONE OF THE SAME SEX? Well...yes, yes I have.

12. WHAT IS YOUR MOTHER'S NAME? Iolyn....kinda sounds like Ireland.

13. WHAT DID YOU DO FOR YOUR LAST BDAY? I went to work and then school, after that I went home washed my ass and let my son fall asleep in my lap.

14. WHAT'S YOUR MAIN RINGTONE ON YOUR PHONE? My phone is always on vibrate.

15. WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP? I wake up every morning at 6 a.m.

16.WHAT WERE YOU DOING AT MIDNIGHT TWO NIGHTS AGO? Two nights ago at midnight I was playing the Sims 2 on my computer. I am so addicted.

17. HOW MANY EX'S ARE ON YOUR BLOG ROLL LIST? None

18. DO YOU LIKE HAVING YOUR HAIR PULLED? Damn straight, but there is an art to it. You can't be pulling like you are trying to snatch me bald.

19. NAME SOMETHING YOU CAN'T WAIT TO DO? I can't wait to finally be happy. Everything else is secondary.

20. LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR MOM? I think it was sometime in April.

21. DO YOU GET ALONG WITH YOUR SIBLINGS? Well I have seven. One I don't speak to because she lives in Georgia and hell she doesn't call me. But the others live here and we speak often.

22. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU WISH YOU COULD CHANGE ABOUT YOURSELF? I would say that I would have a surgery to remove my c-section scar but wouldn't that just make another one?

23. IF YOU HAD $250,000...HOW WOULD YOU SPEND IT? I would pay off my damn bills. Then I would take the rest and put a down payment on a condo.

24. WHICH BLOGGERS ON YOUR BLOGROLL WOULD YOU HANG OUT WITH? Well not sure, probably all of them just to put a face to words.

25. HAVE YOU EVER READ THE BLOGGER NEWS PAGE? Blogger has a news page??? Where is it??

26. LAST PERSON YOU CALLED? I called BklynNative this morning. She is gonna have to help me pay my damn phone bill, she needs to learn how to answer her phone when I call her and my minutes are free!! I know you reading this you heifa!!

27. LAST THING YOU ATE? I had an Asian salad from McDonalds this afternoon.

28. WHATS YOUR FAVORITE MONTH? That's easy October, my birth month. Libras are the bomb!!!

29. YOUR LEAST FAVORITE MONTH? Any when it is colder than 65 in the morning.

30. WHAT'S THE LAST PIECE OF CLOTHING YOU BORROWED FROM ANY ONE?? My sister's shoes. I hate those shoes, the moo-cow tricked me into wearing them so I could break them in. My tooties were hurting all night. If see her anytime soon I'm gonna kick her in the ass!

31. WHO IS GETTING ON YOUR NERVES RIGHT NOW? Surprisingly, no one. I am surprised my damn self. I just want my damn money

32. MOST VISITED WEBPAGE? I have a few. They are hotghettomess,i-am-bored and the links on my page.

33. LAST PERSON YOU TEXT MESSAGED? The last person I texted was my son's father,DAMMITMAN.

34. LAST PERSON THAT MADE YOU SAD? That would be *Beloved, yeah I still call him that, but only because I gave him that name before he was mine. The name just fit him and he always answered it.

35. WOULD YOU TAKE A BULLET FOR YOUR BEST FRIEND? umm....I'm like Mocha on this one. Where will it land? Will it be fatal? What did she do to have someone aiming for her? Couldn't we just run? I mean I got a baby, and BklynNative ain't got no kids. I'll scrap for her but do I have to get shot. That looks like it hurts!

36. FAVORITE TYPE OF DRINK? It depends on my mood. Right now I cold really go for a Blue Motherfucker

37. FAVORITE FOOD? Hey I did this. It would have to be curried anything. I love some curry, it stains the clothes and the fingers when you make it but it sure is good.

38. FAVORITE PIE? I love some sweet potato pie. But store bought, it would have to be the Hershey's Sundae pie from Burger King.

39. HAVE YOU BEEN TO EUROPE? Not in this life time.

40. IF SOMEONE YOU HATED DIED, WHAT WOULD YOU DO? If I hated them I wouldn't know. I don't keep track of folk I don't care for. I could give less than a fuck about folk I would hate.

41. DO YOU OWN A DIGITAL CAMERA? I wanna get one, but there is that money issue again.

42. ARE YOU IN LOVE? The funny things is I was, but now I am too hurt to be. Oh I love him plenty but I am no longer in that stage of being in love.

GIMMIE MY DAMN MONEY!!!!!

2006-05-25T16:09:00.000-04:00

sorry to all of you who have to read the following rant....

In March I had a performance review and it went successfully and everything. I was supposed to get a raise. For some damn reason my supervisor wanted to wait to submit my paperwork so that he could submit it along with someone else who started working here after I did. Now that was like two weeks after me but whatever. I am obviously not happy about that but instead of acting like I have no home training, I dealt with it. My problem is WHY IN THE BLUE FUCK IS MY RAISE NOT ON MY CHECK BY NOW!!!!
I WANT MY FATHER-SUCKING MONEY AND I WANT IT NOW!!! IT HAS BEEN TWO BUTT-FUCKING MONTHS AND I NEED MY GOT-DAMNED MONEY!! WHO THE HELL DO I HAVE TO FUCK, SUCK, OR KILL TO GET MY SHIT???? I HATE WHEN MY MONEY IS FUNNY OR MY DAMN CHANGE IS STRANGE!!

sorry for the previous rant. it is just that i would like to have my money. i feel like a pimp, i don't want some or part but all my cash.

As heard on the train...

2006-05-24T15:39:00.000-04:00

I was on the train last night coming from school, and I over heard these females talking about how an aunt of theirs has breast cancer. Now this wasn't what stood out to me. It was the fact that one of the females was yelling about how she couldn't live without her hair. She went on about how she would choose to loose her breasts or die before losing her hair. Now if she had a beautiful patch of hair on her head, I might have understood. I would have thought she was stupid any way but still. The female had horrific hair. Don't get me wrong she had hair down to her shoulders but you could see through it! It was stringy and dry and it was two different colors, like she just tried to cover one bad color job with another and failed. Her head looked like a hot steaming pile of mess.

Now me, I would shave my head on the way to the chemo center. Not that I don't love my locs, but damn it, they grow back. I would spit shine my head every morning while praying that I would not have to under go the removal of my breasts. However, I would not be adverse to the removal of my breasts it is just that I grew them in from scratch and I know I would miss them. I have had a lot of fun times with *Thelma and Louise and I know that they would miss me too. But enough of my silliness. I would be loathe to remove any part of my body that wouldn't grow back. Actually, I hate to cut my nails. But still that could just be laziness on my part.
But if the need ever arose that I would need to, I would have everything removed including the arm if it needed to be. I live by the rule "If your right eye offends you, pluck it out".

Tooth Fairy???

2006-05-21T22:07:00.000-04:00

My son lost his first tooth on Saturday. I am so excited it is such a shame. His father wants to tell him (or should I say has told him) all about the tooth fairy, and I think that is the stupidest thing in creation. Not that I want to be a spoiled sport, it is just that I don't see the point of lying to the children. We don't tell him that Santa Claus still exists. Don't get me wrong we have told him that at one time there was a actual man who gave gifts and the whole nine. But now the person/people who give him gifts are the people who care about him. I don't want to lie to my son because I don't want to have to pay for my son's therapy when he has to be told that all of these little things aren't real and he was lied to for however many years.

I fully intend to keep all of his teeth. I have been told that I am gross but I don't care. I want them. It is amazing to met to see how little his teeth are now and in a few years to see how big they are. The new tooth is bigger than the one he lost and it has little ridges on it and everything. I know that all my teeth fell out but I don't remember them having those little ridges. I am so in love with watching my son grow up. I was looking through his photo album and I was looking at his pictures where her had no teeth. In fact, he had his first birthday without a tooth in his little head. I just knew at the time he was never gonna have any teeth. But after the first one, they all just popped in. Now I just have to find something that will hold his teeth.

12:48 a.m.

2006-05-19T06:27:00.000-04:00

It is over. After a year and me giving myself to him more than I did with anyone else it is over. I'm not bitter just hurt. I didn't get a reason why, or any how comes just "I believe yes".

About three weeks ago, I told *Beloved that I had a problem, that I couldn't understand why all of a sudden he was no longer as attentive to me. Before he would come to my job or my school for no reason other than to see me for a few minutes. That stopped literally so fast I didn't know how to say it. I told him that I wanted to see him more but, all I got after that was less phone calls now.

After a week or so of that, scared to say anything further for what else might happen, I mentioned that. But this time, I asked if he wanted a break. He said no. Nothing improved...I asked why was this happening and all I really got was I'm spending time with my father and I am taking care of some business. I never asked what the business was, I figured if he wanted me to know I would have been told.

Last night I got the "I believe yes" in a text. I wasn't fully awake but hey I had the following morning to read over all of what was texted. I believe I had a couple minute conversation with him but that was more along the lines of why I would like my things from him the following day.

"I believe yes", no real reason was I given as to why. I guess if it was important enough I would have been told.
"I believe yes", maybe I should have gone with my stomach and not even commented on his slow disapearing act...
"I believe yes", could he have done it another way, like wait til I was fully awake.
"I believe yes", as if saying that way makes it more "civil".
"I believe yes", not even a full sentence, I had to ask what was meant.
"I believe yes", one year, and one week shy of three months and it is over.

Will I get over this? It may take a little while but "I believe yes".

UPDATE: I haven't cried about this as of yet. I'm not sure if my stubborn self will allow myself to. But I find it real fitting that it is pouring outside now. The rain hasn't let up since last night. Who says that if you cry, you cry alone. Today, the world is crying with me.

2006-05-10T13:08:00.000-04:00

For a few days now I have felt like I am going to cry at the slightest thing. I have been walking around painting a smile on my face when I know that all I want to do is break down and cry. Nothing seems to be working out right for me, everything I am touching seems to just crumble.

My son's birthday in on Sunday and for the first time in his entire life I don't even have enough money to buy him a simple cake. Let alone buy one to make myself. Sunday also happens to be Mother's Day and for me that has enough issues in it.

I'm actually starting to have problems keeping up in school not that the work is too hard but I just can't seem to make myself motivated enough to keep up. And I now I have to do an internship but I really don't want to work for free because I need the money.

With my consort....Well information that he has just dropped into my lap doesn't help me any. But it lets me know that he has other focuses and I should just focus on my own problems instead of trying to fit him in somewhere.

My job doesn't give me enough hours I would leave but even with the few hours I am given it still guarantees me a check. And I am loathe to give that up. People tell me that I should temp because that would give me the chance to gain the experience but a lot of places want me to not be working and I can't afford to give up my job for one that I may or may not have on a stable basis.

I think right now I need to take a little break from blogging. I haven't been blogging like I normally do because I have been going through some things of my own that I really think I should deal with. I don't like how I feel and I don't know how to deal with it. Maybe a little time off will help me find out how.

Surprisingly Protective of America

2006-05-05T12:03:00.000-04:00

AMEN! AMEN! Couldn't have said it any better myself, JQ.

My family (for the most part) went through all the annoying BS of coming to this country legally. But it was worth it. So when we complain about economics, education and healthcare, it’s because we have earned that right! When we expected all the fruits that come from paying taxes, it was because it was ours to expect. It is unthinkable for me to go to France and kick up dust when I don't like something. If I don't like it, then I should leave. France owes me nothing. The US owes me everything because this is my home. I work damn hard to make sure that I can afford to live and die here.

If anyone can come to the US and receive all the same rights and privileges that come with being a citizen, then what is the point of being a citizen? I mean if Jose goes to some foreign country that has different laws, steals something and is about to be punished, is he going to be able to take his ass over the American embassy and plead for help? I know that that was an exaggeration but honestly, where and when are we going to draw the line?

Nothing comes without paying dues. If Jose wants to come from a different country because he didn't like it, does that mean he gets to change parts of our culture? The thousands upon thousands of immigrants who came here during the 1800's and early 1900's (legally) never petitioned to change any element of our pledge. They wanted to integrate. They took the time to appreciate what this country had to offer while not losing their identity. They didn’t ask us to lose ours. Yes, immigrants founded this country. But they came together to form one joint identity. One language (English), one government (democracy), one nationality (American) and ONE PLEDGE (spoken in English).

If Jose doesn't want to pick strawberries anymore then he doesn't have to. The owners will just have to pay DeShawn or Joe Schmoe for it. Yes the owners will have to pay at or above minimum wage. It won't be an ideal situation for the economy at first but guess what, we'll learn to deal. That's life. As much as I dislike the current leaders of our government, I love my country. Jamaica is my heritage but America is the land of my birth. I love it good, bad and ugly. My family loves it too. I'll be damned if someone from another country is going to come here "looking for a better life" and fuck up what they supposedly said they wanted in when they hid in some cargo crate. It's like me moving to live on a commune but I don't want anyone to wear my clothes. What the hell was I expecting? It's a friggin COMMUNE!

Sorry for the ranting. I didn't realize how passionate I was about this.

Disclaimer: The use of the name “Jose” was not meant to be derogatory. Rather since Hispanics do make up the majority of the immigrants in this country, I wanted to use a general name to represent all immigrants.

Alright it has been a minute..

2006-05-04T18:50:00.000-04:00

I have been gone for a minute because I have had to sit down and look at the state of events. The other day illegal immigrants banded together to show the country how much they were needed by leaving their jobs and marching. Over 11 million showed up and showed their pride and demanding to become legal citizens. This might have worked had they not insisted on waving their country of birth's flag. What in the hell were they thinking?? How in the hell can you say you want to join a country but you are showing the government that you are from somewhere else??? You are telling me that you are American too, but you are waving another country's flag in my face. This is a damn insult!!! Where in the hell was the damn F.B.I. and I.N.S. when these people were walking the damn streets??? These bastids need to go the hell home. I don't want to hear how them working and sending all their money home makes this economy better because it doesn't!! You are here illegally!! You are not paying any damn taxes here, how are you helping this country! I scrub my own toilet. And I get my fruit from the Korean man who came here legally. Now don't get me wrong I don't think that they should be considered felons but still and all go home!! This is not a bash on immigrants who came here legally and worked hard to learn the language and assimilate. This is to the ones who come here and work here and live here for 30-odd years and refuse to speak English. But then get mad when signs aren't translated into Spanish, or what ever the fuck language you speak. I couldn't move (or should I say sneak myself) into Japan and not expect to have to learn at least some damn Japanese. Fuck it, who am I kidding? I would have to fucking become fluent in that shit in order to live and expect to survive!!!! Why the fuck is that shit acceptable here??!!

I am tired of hearing how only immigrants take the jobs Americans don't want. No that is not true. They take the jobs that we won't take because of the pay. The people who hire illegal immigrants use them for cheap labor. They pay them a nickel a week and the scared and not wanting to be deported immigrants take the job. How dare they sneak into the country and demand health insurance. I worked two damn jobs for a year and still can't get any. What kind of shit is that?

Now they are making talks about the American National Anthem being made into Spanish. This is shit. I am not insulting anyone who is Hispanic but damn it this makes no damn sense. You are not going to France and hearing talks of them changing their anthem into another damn language. Why doesn't Mexico change their anthem since all of their citizens want to move here? Why don't they just ask to be made a state. Alright that's going a little far but still the point is made. I understand translating it so that it can be understood in other languages but only after you learn to sing it in English!! I speak French and have translated [the French national Anthem] into English only for a better grasp of what I was saying not so I could sing that thing in English.

I have nothing against any immigrants, all I am saying is that if they want the rights of being a citizen then they should go about this the right way. Them pulling this stunt is a slap in the face of everyone who has ever gotten a green card legally. This is a kick in the ass to anyone who has every left their family for years trying to earn enough to sponsor the rest of his or her family to join them. My own family has done this, so this whole demand for equality is like spitting in the face of my grandparents who struggled to give their children (and therefore their grand children and so on) a better life.

Lost and Found

2006-04-19T15:13:00.000-04:00

Maybe my luck is turning around. Yesterday on my way to school, I found a diamond ring. Now the ring isn't big. It is only a half a karat total weight and it is made of white gold. I took it to the first jewelry store I could find to get it appraised but the lady seemed more interested in trying to get me to buy matching earrings and necklace. But she did tell me that they were real diamonds. I still want to get it looked at.

Now I told *Beloved that I found the ring but before I could tell him what my intentions with it were he immediately said "Pawn it and give me half." Now I thought that this recommendation was totally not needed. First of all I like the ring and since I no longer have any jewelry because of various reasons, I want to keep it. Now it isn't like I saw the ring fall off of anyone's finger. In fact, I found it when I was the only one on the train.

His whole reason why I should give it up (and give him half???) is because it wasn't meant for me. Well damn it, I think it was. He says that it has no meaning for me, what does that mean? Not every piece of jewelry has to have a meaning. My earrings mean that I didn't want the holes in my ears to close. This ring will mean that my fingers were naked. Is that good enough?

My weight...

2006-04-12T16:22:00.000-04:00

I'm not a size 2. Hell I'm not even a "perfect 6". Who the fuck decided that a size six would be perfect? I am a very curvy size 10 and sometimes I'm a 12, depending on the cut of the clothes that I want to wear.

Lately, I have been getting comments on my weight from just about anyone who has an asshole. And quite frankly I am tired of it. Now with these comments, some have been positive but most negative. The positive ones (if they can be considered as such) being along the lines of "Damn baby, you are so thick you look good enough to eat." To the what I guess the person thought was cute, "Oh, I see you are getting a little chunky aren't you." To the down right nasty, "I would never want to weigh as much as you." For some reason people feel the need to comment about my weight as if I didn't know when I woke up this morning. A big ass and or tits does not make you morbidly obese.

When I hit puberty or should I say when it hit me, I developed hips so fast that it literally hurt. See some got the vertical growth spurt, I got a horizontal one. I had "breeding" hips since I was 9 and I never wore a training bra. I didn't need one. I went straight into a B cup. Now for some this isn't bad but I was 11. I swear it was as if I went to bed one night and I woke up with them. Now being that I was a tomboy and I filled out, I got the looks of she's a ho and all that. But I really wasn't, in fact the first boy who tried to kiss me (well technically he did, he had contact for a full two seconds) got a beat down of his life. I hit him with a desk. I got suspended for three days. That kicked off my beginning of fights with boys over my shape.

The breast and butt thing just got worse as I got older because they only got bigger. This now brought attention from grown men who just knew it was their goal in life to separate me from my virginity or whatever. That and people just knew I was having sex because supposedly you don't fill out like that unless you are having sex. Which brings more attention because now men think I'm easy and the boys wanted to test this out. This resulted in more fights, on my part and now my uncle who had to now defend me.

I guess as I have gotten older my curves are no longer as tight as they were when I was a child and now I am approaching that FAT LEVEL. Who sits down and decides that you are fat and you must be unhappy about it. I like being the size I am. I just don't like hearing others opinions on it. For some reason the media has pushed this un-natural prepubescent waif into our minds and making us think that all women have to look this way. Now I am not knocking the women who look like this naturally because I had a friend who was like this, she could eat lard and fatback 9 times a day and not gain any weight. While I would just watch her and gain. When do you become the size that people just say "DAMN"?

When GOD was a woman, a full figured woman was what woman wanted to be. The extra body fat ensured that she would survive lean times and he children would have enough to eat. I showed that her mate was a good provider. Now I guess in time of "excess" the stores of body fat are no longer looked at as needed. The extra body weight is seen as a disorder and scorned. Which to me is a shame. I think women in all our shapes, colors, and sizes should be adored for the wondrous miracles that we are.

It has been a funny few days...

2006-04-09T17:08:00.000-04:00

Well let's get the good news out of the way. One of my links Michelle had her little boy on the fifth. And I am so happy for her and I hope that she and the new installment to her family are doing well.

But back the bull that is my life.

I spoke to my supervisor and I told him that *MC wants me to work for her and he said and I quote because it isn't long, "NO." All I could say is well then. So I told her that he said he really couldn't spare me and I don't think that she is used to hearing no and wanted his extension so she can talk to him. I hope the world doesn't fall down on my head after this.

Next...I come home on Thursday and my son's school sweater is cut up. So I ask him what has happened to his clothes and he tells me that an eighth grader has cut his clothes. Now he goes to a private school, so there aren't many kids in that school. I make the resolve that I will now have to make it to his school in the morning. I think to myself that it will only be for a minute and this way I can find out what the hell is up with his teacher because I write notes and the heifer-cow just ignores them. I get him to school and we find the kid who has cut up his sweater, his mother says she is not gonna pay for it, so I may have to take a day off next week to ensure that she pays for my child's clothing....

Now when I get to the school I have people running around acting like I am a celebrity or something. Folks just asking me, well who are you? So I tell them and they are in awe or something. It turns out that my son's father that "wonderful" man that he is, has told them that I am not really in the picture. That and he has not attended one P.T.A. meeting or picked up one report card in this year. Now *Prince gets out of school next month. What the hell? I swear if I ever wanted to beat his ass with a rusty lead pipe now is the damn time. Before, you say anything, he tells me that he has this under control, and I was figuring that since it won't be for long he should be able to handle one school year. Well it seems that he simply can not. I swear I learn more and more about that man every day. And to think I once considered having another child with this man...HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Now since I mentioned it, *Prince gets out of school next month on the sixteenth. And his cousin who usually watches him doesn't get out of school until the end of June. I would cry but I am too busy think how the hell I am to dig myself out of this whole mess. Speaking of mess, there seems to a problem with my second job, so I can't work there until they clear it up. It seem when they hired me I wasn't given all the paper work and some other mess. There is even talk of me having to pay back some of the money. I would continue but I have to get some work done. Gotta get ready for school tomorrow.

Yeah I'm a thief...

2006-04-04T20:11:00.000-04:00

I got this from Nikki.

1. How old were you the first time? I am gonna sound like such a rusty garden tool but I was 14.

2. Name of your first? Rodney..I look back and think I wasted good pussy juice on him.

3. Good or Bad? Well until you get someone to "really" open your eyes it is always good isn't it?

4. Name of the worst and why? The worst is a guy named Tyrone. He was 26 and he had a dick like a arm. It was beautiful to look at. I guess he felt that because he had a arm for a dick that it meant he never had to learn to use it. Such a waste...

5. Name of the best and why? Oh the best...That is easy. It would have to be a guy named Will. I swear he rode me for hours. He wouldn't go limp even after he came. The thing is he didn't tell me that and I see a hard dick as a challenge. He had to pour me into a cab after that and I couldn't sit straight for three days.

6. Weirdest place you ever had sex? I don't think I've had sex in any weird places. What would make it weird?

7. Favorite Position: Oh that would have to be doggy...There is something about a man slapping my ass and pulling my hair.

8. Ever fake an orgasm? Yeah..Once when I wanted this guy to get the hell off of me. I had to go home so I could get some sleep to go to work.

9. Would you admit it if the person asked? No because he is the type of guy who's whole world would be crushed if he thought he couldn't deliver. And he is such a sweetheart I couldn't do that to him.

10. Favorite time of day to have sex? Anytime his (*Beloved's) dick is hard. Well as long as it doesn't mess with me making money.

11 Most times you have had sex in one day? The most in one day would be 8. The days before I had a son. Ah...Memories.

12 Same person? No that would be with my son's father. When I used to like that man touching me. Now when he brushes up against me, I want to hit him with a baseball bat. But that is another story.

13. Ever fantasize about someone other than the one your with? No, if it is good then I can't think straight. If it isn't then I watch my nails grow. Or I used to now I would either get up or get on top to do it myself.

14. Restrictions during sex? No anal. One, because it looks like it hurts ( I have also been told that it does) and two, is well you gotta have something to give your husband, now don't cha? Oh and others are no animals or children. You must be over 18 to get on this ride.

15. Accessories? Yeah..gotta love them.

16. What? Honey (any one who says they want to lick this stuff off of your whole body has never done it), handcuffs (fuzzy and police issue..Don't ask), dildos, strap-ons, strawberry syrup (wink to *Beloved), vibrators the list can go on...

17 Done it in the rain? Yup, and I ruined a good weave when I did it.

18 Done it in a car? Yeah. I will always have a soft spot for Mustangs and Pickup Trucks.

19 Had a Threesome? Yes. But it depends on which kind you are talking about.

20 Want to have sex now? You damn right...Dick is a beautiful thing.

A new window...

2006-04-01T06:35:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago I had an interview for a promotion and I thought it went very well. The woman who interviewed me had a wonderful time with me and I with her. The interview lasted for about two and a half hours and who has an interview that lasts that long.

Well I sent my thank you letter after the interview and I waited. After two weeks I figured that the interview must not have gone as well as I thought. And I stopped looking for the phone call that would tell me I got it and started looking in the inter-office mail that would tell me I didn't. Well yesterday, *MC (the woman who interviewed me) came to the job to speak with me but I had got to work yet. She came to offer me another position with her. Now while it really wouldn't be a promotion, but I would be able to get more hours with her in her department.

At first I was more hurt that they gave the position to someone else after I tried so hard to get it but I am incredibly pleased that *MC herself came to offer me this alternative. She doesn't offer anyone anything, in fact there are people who are scared of her in my department and they don't have to work with her. They just remember her from when she was in our department, like eight years ago. I so want to work for someone who has that power. I think I am nearly drunk with the idea that she actually likes me that much to open that position for me. Not to mention if another position opens up, I'll most likely be available through her to obtain it.

Then the personal ideas of it are that, I would be closer to *Beloved at his job. And did I mention that I would be able to have more hours. I might have to think about it more, but I think I will take it. I just have to talk to my supervisor. She didn't tell him and I guess that just shows how high on the "food chain" she is. She doesn't have to tell him of her intentions.

The results are in...

2006-03-30T19:50:00.000-05:00

I just finished my term and I received good grades again. I have been told that I am a complete nerd by *E at my job, but she said it is only because she is jealous. I earned three As, an A-, and a B. So now my G.P.A is 3.82. and I am loving it. Not much going on right now. Which I think is a good thing, well other than *Prince trying to give me a heart attack. He asked me to get him a new sweater for school because, this particular type of sweater is a "BABE MAGNET". I swear that boy finds new things to shock and horrify me with. I am so not ready. What am I supposed to do with him now?

Felt Like A New Look..

2006-03-30T19:47:00.000-05:00

Everyone was getting makeovers and I felt out of the loop. So I spruced up a bit and this is what I came up with. I hope you guys like.

Well I'm lucky I think.....

2006-03-22T17:52:00.000-05:00

The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to Purgatory!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	High
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	High
Level 2 (Lustful)	Low
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Low
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Low
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Low
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

Don't Support this Movie...

2006-03-21T08:00:00.000-05:00

This weekend I went to the movies with *Beloved and his two friends. We were to originally see "V for Vendetta" but the show that we purchased tickets for was over sold. And when we tried to get tickets for later shows they were sold out. So we got our money back and were on our way to leave when we noticed another movie was starting and we decided to become Theatre Bunnies. We hopped into "The Hills Have Eyes". The movies is about the miners that lived in the blast zone of the New Mexico desert and were killing and eating folks. Now I personally didn't want to see it because I just wouldn't have wanted to waste my money on it. But we go in because well it was free and we didn't get caught.

Now the movie starts and as usual the people do just regular dumb shit that makes you think "Well that couldn't be me!" Now during the course of the first person being killed, one of the females in the movie was being raped. The men in the theatre were laughing and damn near cheering and the producers of the film tried to made it seem like it was funny. In one part of the rape scenes the man was actually hooting and cheering himself. I was horrified and disgusted. Now this had nothing to do with the fact that the men were horribly disfigured, because I actually don't like people despite how they look touching me. A person can be in a three piece suit made by Vera Wang and I still would not want the person to touch me. When the other female came to try to help her sister she was assaulted too. This time with the man holding a gun on her child while he suckled at her breasts and she was powerless to defend herself.

I didn't see how this had anything to do with the plot of the movie. I felt that the movie could have done without those scenes. Hollywood does not need to try to make rape seem funny, erotic, exotic or like the woman was asking for it. Rape is none of these things. Rape is an issue of power against the woman. It is a control method for the man or men to show that they are dominant species. Men also use it as an insult to other men. In effect, saying I took possession of your daughter, wife, mother, sister and there is nothing that the other can do about it. Not saying that murder is truly acceptable but they don't try to make the murder seem sexy. The murder isn't made funny. It is a gruesome thing that makes you jump and even scream.

I am not trying to make anyone not see anything that really seems interesting to them. But you wouldn't see a movie that made slavery seem like a carnival cruise and I view this in the same way. My point is why celebrate in the one thing that makes animals superior to mankind?In that I mean, man is the only species on the planet that rapes. All others wait until the female is willing.

Luck o' the Irish...

2006-03-17T16:50:00.000-05:00

So it is St. Patrick's Day, and folk are just wandering around NYC in kilts and drunk as hell. So far I have see four people wearing green puke in the streets. Must be great to be Irish.

I even came across a really festive Irishman on the train wearing green and a kilt, that saw that I wasn't wearing any green and he decided that in the spirit of things he should pinch me for not wearing any green. Now I wish I could say that I slapped the hell out of him for the simple nerve for touching me.

I was told once that my last name is Irish. And because I think my day has been pretty because of. Almost everything has been going my way. My classes are almost done and I am getting 4 As. I'm a little off on one class and I think that I am getting C in it or at best a B-. Not a happy camper but hey the class was hard.

On the personal front, *Beloved's best friend is having problems with his girl that neither I nor *Beloved can understand. That and I am starting to think that *Beloved has a problem with my weight. Now I am not a tiny little thing and I never will be. My body shape wouldn't allow me to be anything less than 135lbs. Despite the point that main stream media tries to drill into me that I should be 105lbs to be cute. I don't think that would be a health weight for me because I have so much hip and chest. I would look like one of the little birds that "seem" like they are drinking or dipping its head down. Like I am gonna fall over but I just won't.

Nothing else on this front except that I have been doing so well that damn near all my teachers said that I don't have to come back for my final week of school I am so damn happy.

Warm weather and folk don't know how to act...

2006-03-14T14:57:00.000-05:00

It has been warm for the past four days and folks are losing their damn minds. Now it would be something if the weather was like 80 degrees or something but hell it isn't even a real good 60. What the hell is going on? Women walking around in mid drift shirts already and mini-skirts. That and the little heat is getting to their heads and making them think that they no longer have to wash their ass!! Completely disgusting!!!

Now yesterday I was at work and this lady smelled like straight fish!! Now I work at 42nd Street. There are no fish markets!!! I was two seconds from telling her that she might have a health problem and that she should get it checked out. But before I could put my job in jeopardy my co-worker *T dragged me off.

And today, I am going about my rounds and all, and this guy just smells straight up ripe! Now for those who remember what kids smell like when they come in from play, you know the smell, depending on where you come from, it is called either "green" or like "street". Well his smell made you long for that smell! I mean it was serious because my eye was actually watering. And I'll be damned if he didn't know and was waving his underarm around for the world to enjoy.

Now I am not saying that I have not had a "funky moment" but I in my embarrassment run, not walk, the hell home. Where I promptly wash my ass and underarms like soap is my new found lover. I for the life of me can't understand why anyone wants to smell like a steaming pile of hot unwashed ass! It is pain for the other people who you walk past and have functioning nostrils. In short, it is just not right and down right rude!! So my P.S.A. for the day is please just wash the hell up. Even if you only take a hooker's shower it would only help those (namely me) form having to smell the odor coming from your body.

You don't like it then don't do it...

2006-03-08T12:49:00.000-05:00

Today I wandered over to Smartblackwoman's post and her topic was why she is pro-choice. Now I think she made her point clear but I don't think that her reasons apply for everyone. Now before I go on I am pro-whatever you want. See I don't think I am pro-choice because I think that abortion should be legal for whomever wants it. I just don't think that abortion should be used as a form of birth control.

I think that for the women who use it as such need to be sterilized. Not to be cruel but it is a simple fact. The woman is tearing up her body anyway and the actuality of her having a full-term child decreases every time she has one. So why wait for all the years of damage to take effect. Just cut out the middle man. But I don't feel that the woman or even young girl who finds that she is pregnant should have to have a child that is unwanted. I don't think any child should be unwanted. Personally I would rather see a long ass wrap around the block line at Planned Parenthood than to see or hear of one child that was thrown into the garbage or in the case that happened in Long Island, a baby was found in the middle of the street, run over by many cars because no one saw it. It was so unrecognizable that it was impossible to tell if the infant was male or female.

To force someone who obviously doesn't to have a child to actually do just that is cruel. Now I know that some people are going to say well she can give it up for adoption but she still has to go through an unwanted pregnancy. That can be tramatic. I know. I never wanted children and when the doctor told me I was pregnant I just knew they were lying to me and I damn near threw a tantrum. All right, I threw a tantrum but I got over it. I couldn't imagine how I would feel if I didn't get used to the idea that I was carrying life within me. To be forced to raise a child you don't want is abuse. Not just to the mother and father but also to the child. Now I say it is abuse to the mother because she has to bring forth this life that she never wanted. That is going to impact how she feels as a woman and as a person. To the child because eventually it will come across that the child was never wanted. And that is something that is felt and will hurt the child forever. To think that your mother never wanted you and the only reason why she had you was because abortions are illegal is horrible. But also to the father. The man shouldn't be forced to raise a child he doesn't want. Just because he had sex with her doesn't mean that he wanted children at that point.

Before the pitch forks are pulled out the shed, I feel that both should discuss the idea of having a child before the woman just up and tells him that they are having a baby. I mean, yes I know it is her body and all, but to make a man raise a child that he is neither prepared for nor wants is just wrong on many levels.

Now as far as birth control works. Nothing is fool proof. I got pregnant with my son when I was on the pill and his father had on a condom. So now what????!!! I am really tired of everyone preaching absinence but until they are doing it I think they should shut the hell up. As far as being too young for sex, well that is in the eye of who is fucking now isn't it. Once a person has started it not very likely that he or she will stop just because an adult tells him or her to. I feel that preparing the child instead works alot better. When my sister told me that she was curious about sex, I didn't panic. I only asked why and once I was sure it wasn't because some boy had tried to talk her into it. I took her to get a pair of sneakers,(so I could fill the box with the condoms) then I took her to get condoms, lube, fingercots, female condoms, gloves and a vibrator. Now I got her the vibrator because she was curious about the feeling. I got her a non-penetrating vibrator. Some people said I was wrong and I shouldn't have done that because I was only encouraging her to have sex but I tell them to mind their own business. My sister is now 15, has no children, has had no STDs, never had sex with another person, and still has her GPA of 3.92. The only thing she has to keep up with is whether or not she has any batteries not if her son or daughter has formula or pampers.

Now as far as folk who don't agree with abortion, I say then damn it don't have one. Why impose your decisions on someone else because you don't agree with what someone else is doing. I can't for the life of me see why anyone wants to worry about the reproductive life of anyone else.

This is what you get from people gone a foreign...

2006-03-02T16:40:00.000-05:00

Stop instigatin' shit before someone decides to pop you in the ass with a B.B. gun at the next Labor Day parade.
--BklynNative

Tobagoians Unite....

2006-03-02T10:08:00.000-05:00

I was talking to a Trini security guard at my job yesterday and he was discussing going home for Spring Break. And it popped into my head that I have never seen anyone or even heard of anyone from Tobago. So I asked him where are they, he tells me that there are alot of them but they are at home. I laughed my ass off, Trinis don't allow Tobagoians to leave the country. So this brings up my point...I called every Trini I know (this took all of ten minutes) and I asked them where are the Tobagoians and they all said the same thing, they are all at home.

I have this to say to my West Indians who are not allowed from there country of birth.

REBEL FROM YOUR TRINI OPPESSORS! THEY HAVE NO RIGHT TO TRAP YOU IN THEIR COUNTRY! THEY ARE KEEPING YOU HOSTAGE! WE IN AMERICA WOULD LOVE TO SEE OUR WONDERFUL BRETHREN AND SISTREN FROM THE OTHER HALF OF T&T. I AM NOT ONE OF YOU BUT I WILL START THE REVOLUTION FOR YOU! UNITE!!

NO Fear or KNOW Fear...

2006-02-28T08:27:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I got to work early so I could be the good little worker and show my reliability. OK who am I kidding I got there early so I could start early and try to make that extra cash! I need it man! And I get on the elevator and the shit gets stuck. Now in this situation you have two choices of what to do. One can (a) ring the alarm and patiently wait for someone to get him or her and think pleasant thoughts. Or (b) press all the buttons, ring the alarm, scream, cry and huddle into a corner and try not to pass out. While you swear the walls are closing in on you. Now I would love to say that I was the cool, calm and collected person on the elevator but I was not. I freaked out and damn near broke off all my nails trying to claw my way out of the little metal box. And that shit hurt because these ain't Lee Press Ons. I grew these babies out from scratch without the help of acrylic. Now I was in there for a good half hour before they finally got me out and when they did I damn near broke my neck trying to climb through the little hole they opened up for me. Needless to say I was taken to the doctor and sent home.

Now as I am telling *Beloved what has happened to me, he asks me why didn't I just calm down and relax. I damn near cussed his ass out when I realized that I love this man and currently he is my "dick dealer" and I would hate to have to give that up. So instead I asked him what he meant by calm down? I am damn claustrophobic and he tells me that I should have calmed down. I don't think that was going to work. See I have many fears and he tells me I should just get over them. Like I know I have a fear of rodents. Now some people would say that this is normal, that a lot of women are scared of mice, well for me it is not just mice. It includes; rats, mice, squirrels, hamsters, guinea pigs, rabbits, and the occasional kangaroo! Yes I said kangaroo--they are hopping rats with passports! Now I know why I am scared of them, my uncle finally told me a little while ago that when I was little he used to throw me in the closet and throw a few of his hamsters in there with me. Did I mention that he would lock me in? So yes ya'll the Queen has issues. But I think I live a regular and normal life providing you don't try to bring any of the afore mentioned animals near me, I won't have to beat you within an inch of your life. I see that as a win-win situation. Now here comes *Beloved trying to fuck with my fears. Now I know he means well but unfortunately he has no idea of how I feel. See he has no fears that he is aware of. He said that he did and one day he got tired of being scared but I told him that he wasn't really scared then. He simply didn't like it. It is easier to get over some thing you don't like than it is to get over something you are scared of.

The funny thing is I am not scared of things that I can't help. Like I have no fear of death. Don't get me wrong I love life and living but I know that I have to go at some time and being scared isn't gonna stop it. I remember a saying that went something like "Only a fool and a mad man is scared of nothing". Well I must be very sane and wise.

I am a happy nappy....

2006-02-22T17:27:00.000-05:00

Now for those of you that don't know I wear my hair in locs. I have had my locs for about two years now. And in that time my hair has grown down to about shoulder length. I am very proud of my natural hair and I actually can't wait til it gets longer even though I haven't had hair this long since I was a sophomore in high school.

Now the purpose for this entry is I was told I would be so much prettier if I just combed my hair. See I was at work today and I usually get people who want to tell me the randomness that crosses their minds about me and most of the time I ignore it and keep on going because well damn it the person caught me at work. And hell my job may suck and they under pay me for what they expect me to do but it is mine and they give me a check. Now as I was helping this little old man to find a bible. And after I handed him the book he looks at me and says that I am very pretty but I could improve my looks by combing my hair!!! I damn near pissed myself because one I wanted to know who let him even imagine that I would care what the hell his old ass thought about me and my hair.

It took all of me not to just cuss his old ass out for his damn input. I simply shook out my knotty and told him that I can't "comb" my hair and even if I could I wouldn't. Then I smiled politely and walked off with all the control I could muster not to slap the old off his face. I think I did rather well for my normal temperament.

The claw end of a hammer....

2006-02-21T07:12:00.000-05:00

The other day I was talking to a girl in my class who was having problems with her man. Not that the problems were actually with her man, they were actually with her "friend". Now her friend knows how long she and her man have been together and how hard they had to work to be together and all. So her friend is basically being a pain in the ass and getting into their relationship. At first it was little things like her friend would offer advice and the such. Now if you ask me and I am sure that some of you will say that no one is, I wouldn't get that personal with anyone. I try not to tell my friends or family anything to deep with the person I am dating because while I may forgive the person I am dating, they may not. Not to mention that most women have a "friend" who would sleep with your man given the chance and the fifteen minutes.

Now my usual response to a person who wants to interfere in my relationship is that I will hit that person in the throat with the claw end of a hammer. Yes, ya'll I said it the claw end of a hammer. See some people think that I say this because I am loathe to give up the sex with my *Beloved. Now this is also true but it is more than that. At least to me it is. I would want to beat the person within an inch of my life because I just have that bond with him as a person. I would hate to think that I now have to give up one of the closest people I have had in my life in a longtime because someone wanted to just be the pimple on the ass of my relationship.

But back to my classmate; she was going on about how much she loves her man and how she has been with him for how many years and to think that he would sleep with her friend and disrespect her like that. So now she feels that not only has she lost a lover but two friends on top of that. This so-called friend and she have been friends since they were kids. All I could do was feel bad for her. Now if anything I can't say that this is not partially her fault. This woman will tell anyone who will listen about how good her man is to her in the bed and out of it. To me that is like just inviting someone into your shit. Some women take this as an invitation to see if your man will treat them as good as he treats you.

This is so not the case with me. I am quick to tell people who ask me that the only reason I am with *Beloved is because he is such a horrible person and I am saving other women from themselves and completing my debt to society. I know it is bad to make others think that he is bad to me but all you really have to do to see if I am happy with him is look at how I am when we are together and when I am without him. When I am with him I get stars in my eyes and everything, it is great. But I refuse to tell any nosy heifer that he is the sugar in my tea.

I guess I shall have to pull her aside when she figures out what she is gonna do about her situation. And tell her that she runs her damn mouth too much. I have no idea how long it will take though. She has to figure out who she is willing to give up. A friend who will fuck your man as long as he is yours but can hook up her hair or a man who will fuck your friends as long as they offer but he treats you really "nice". Personally, I would beat both their asses to the white meat and then ditch them both!!!

Black is not an insult....

2006-02-14T08:54:00.000-05:00

I went to the supermarket by my house and as bootleg as it is, it doesn't stop me from going to it. Someone really needs to report it to the board of health or something for real!! But anyway in the city we had over 2 feet of snow fall so kids were playing in the snow, not that schools were closed because in NYC the snow has to damn near block the front door of a second floor building before they will close schools. And I heard one of the kids who was throwing the white crap around call another a black dirty wannabe African. What kind of shit is this? Have we lost all pride in being even called African. And when did being black become an insult. What is even worse is the boy who said this madness was so black he was damn near blue. People don't get me wrong, I love dark men. I do. I had my son with the darkest man I could find just because I thought that my son would have that same rich color. Only to have me surprised when my son came out lighter than me. Now don't get me wrong that wasn't the only reason why I had my son with his father, but that is what attracted me to him. And also don't get me wrong because I am dating a guy who happens to be the color of cooked carmel. But that is another discussion all together. That little boy needs some pride in who he is and who his people were. That and a damn beating. He nearly hit me with snow.

It is a sign of wealth...

2006-02-10T11:43:00.000-05:00

I was minding my own business on the bus after I dropped of my son at school, the bus was crowded so I know that sometimes people lean on you or sometime even push past you. This didn't bother me. Hell I have even excused to rare and occasional erection on my hip from a man who seems embarrassed about it. But today during my bus ride this guy gets on the bus and rests his bag on my ass. Yes you read right cause I couldn't believe it either. Now I have been told I have a big ass and hell I have actually come to embrace the fact that it is there. But damn if I knew it looked like a table. He actually set his bag in the dip in my back. And had the nerve to be upset with me when I pulled my ass from underneath his bag, cause now he had to pick his bag up off the floor. This man had the nerve like he just knew that my ass was meant to be his resting spot for his bag.

Now *Beloved has told me I have a big butt. At first I thought this was him joking but the more he says it, the more I have to believe. I mean I never thought of my butt being big when I compare mine to my relatives. If you were stranded on a deserted island, you wouldn't starve to death you would live for weeks with what they carry around. And now since dealing with him he says that my ass is spreading. Like I need more ass!!!!! I really don't. And the thing about it is even if I lost weight I would still have this huge ass. The women in my family just grow asses like the want to have a monopoly on it. Like they feel that no one outside of us should have any rights to one. And if you manage to grow one that measured to their epic proportions then you will have to be adopted by one of us.

but back to the strange guy. He actually acted like it was my fault. He had an attitude and everything. I was shocked that it didn't occur to me that I should have slapped the hell out of him until after I got off the bus. I do know one thing though if he tries that shit again there will be trouble.

Valentine's Day...

2006-02-07T14:44:00.000-05:00

Well ya'll Valentine's Day is coming up next week Tuesday and for the first time in a very long time I am so damn excited. Well I am excited for that and because *Beloved and I have a anniversary comming up after that. I think he did that on purpose. The damn man is keeping me broke for three months straight. In December there is Christmas, January is his birthday and in February we have Valentine's Day and our anniversary. We will have been together for a year.

For Valentine's Day I got him a DVD player, he's a guy and he likes electronics like that. For our anniversary I ordered some stuff from Frederick's of Hollywood. I hope he likes it. I mean I couldn't get what I wanted to order because it was on back order until like April. I am so mad at them. I get the magazine late and then everything I wanted was on back order. Damn their eyes!!!!
I would show you guys what I order but he reads this blog. I don't mind but I want to surprise him.

No competition....

2006-02-03T14:04:00.000-05:00

I started school last April for my associates. When we started there were other girls in class that would be in my major until we completed the courses. In the first term we had fun and we helped each other out with classwork and homework. Hell we even got so thick that when one was hungry all chipped in and made sure that no one was unfed.

Now for the second the term I didn't see them as much because I had to keep the original schedule for my job and now the classes were set up for the morning. I didn't mind much I would see them but something was off...I couldn't put my finger on it. But when I would see the girls from the group they would act differently.

Now the ones who haven't failed are in my classes again. I got a chance to switch to the day classes now. And they act as if they don't see me. This is such a shock to me because I thought we were cool peoples. I thought we were gonna do this together. I thought wrong. The same females who asked me to do their classwork and homework and put as much love into theirs as I do my own walk past me in the halls. I would collect their work in classes we had and I would even take notes and make outlines for them to do the work. And now they act as if I am a complete stranger. These same females who weren't and aren't working asked me to help them find jobs; I did while I was at my job. But they didn't want the jobs I would find because they are only paying nine an hour. *but they live at home with their parents so I don't see the big deal. and most don't have kids*

You know what I say??? FUCK THEM!!! I did favors for them not the other way around. And they are failing damn near all of their classes. I can't help but think good! Because come September they won't be competition for in the job market because they will still be in school!

Doesn't make sense to me...

2006-01-30T11:06:00.000-05:00

I went to the movies with my boyfriend and a few of his friends on Saturday. Now this isn't a real out of the ordinary experience. The only thing that stands out in this outing was his friend *P and his girlfriend. I know I am such a bad person cause I didn't even catch her name. Maybe it is because I lost respect for her to some degree. Don't ya'll look at the screen side-ways, she has no respect for herself, in my opinion.

While we were going into the movie theater he panicked. At first I didn't understand what happened. But the girlfriend said "oh we can't go in right now because some people from his Kingdom Hall are there and they don't like me with him." I looked at them like they were crazy. *P runs into a store to get a hat and she runs in with him. Now if they were like sixteen or something and they were only together for a few weeks then I would have offered some kind of help with the situation. But I noticed the big ass rock on her hand. They were engaged! Now I am not hating at all I think it is nice when people find someone that they want to be with for the rest of their lives early. But obviously something wasn't right, they are ducking and dodging people they know. I mean it is a mixed relationship but that wasn't the problem.

My issue is that to me it seemed that she was used to that shit! I would have lost my damn mind. I will not duck and dodge a damn body if we are to be married...Wait I won't do that even if we are just sleeping with each other. I lost respect for her because I was more offended than she was. But because that was the only time I had met her I couldn't tell her to man up and stand up for her damn self. See my father is a Jehovah's Witness so I know that they aren't supposed to date or marry anyone out of the faith. Probably why they try to recruit so many people, even up the dating odds. But they are engaged now he should stand up to them and say that this is the woman he loves, will bear his children, and take care of him when he is sick. Will they do any of that?

I don't understand why she deals with that madness. I mean my great grandmother had her children by a Jewish man. And he was married to a Jewish woman but he lived with my great grand mother and had 14 kids with her. He couldn't marry my grand mother whom he loved and obviously preferred because I guess his people didn't like that idea. So he lived a lie, had one child with his "wife" and didn't touch her again for the rest of her life. I have some aunts who tell us younger kids this story and feel that we should be honored that our great grand mother did this. Now don't get me wrong, I appreciate it so much because without her, I would not be here but still. I would have wanted the respect. My great grandmother remarried after he died but it wasn't the point. He was like 20 years older than my granny. How do your live you whole life that way? How do you walk the streets knowing that you can't tell anyone who put that smile on your face that morning? Or when something happens to him you can't even get to him in the hospital, you have to wait until he gets home. Or even worse everything that you helped him work for is snatched from you and given to someone else because he forgot to put things in your name before he died.

Now I am not saying that in their situation, it will get that bad but damn it. Having to duck and hide when he says "oh shit" or having to dye your hair every three weeks so they don't catch on is ridiculous. All I can say to her is I feel bad, and how can you wear that ring with so much pride knowing that around his people you have to turn it around?

Stolen from Michelle

2006-01-27T15:16:00.000-05:00

Four jobs you've had in your life
Receptionist
Home aide for people with CP
Clerk
Cashier

Four places you've lived
Brooklyn, NY
Westbury, NY
St. Anne, Jamaica
I break down the sections of Brookln...

Four TV shows you love to watch
Boondocks
All of the Star Trek spin-offs
I don't really watch TV much, never really home

Four places you've been on vacation
Missisauga, Canada
Anne Arundel, MD
Eutawville, SC
Home..can't afford to go far.

Four blogs you visit daily
Check my list

Four of your favorite foods
Curry anything
Seafood
Pasta
curried seafood

Four places you'd rather be
Home
Somewhere warm
Home where it is warm
With my *Beloved....Where it is warm

Four albums you can't live with out
Don't really know might have to edit this one when I go home and check to see what it is that I listen to.

Four vehicles you've owned
Does a bicycle count...no
Then does mass transit count?
How about "ten-toe turbo"?

Four people to be tagged
Whoever wants to follow suit

Love isn't followed by a fist.....

2006-01-19T09:22:00.000-05:00

Today is my late day (yeah I get to sleep a whole hour later) but for some reason I just couldn't get up so I got up a bit later than normal. On my bus today there was a couple arguing and normally I would have just ignored it but some of what was said reminded me of my past life, the life I had with my son's father. He was talking to the female he was with very low but there was such venom in his voice. No one who was just sitting there would have paid it any mind, but as some one who was in an abusive relationship for ten years I heard it and it reminded me of my years in fear. I looked at her and I saw the same fear that must have lived in my eyes when you are trying to smile for the outside world and the inside of you is screaming for help. He told her to get of the bus, and she got off at the same stop I did when I take my son to school. I got *Prince inside of the building and came back out. He was still yelling at her but now he was loud and she was visibly cowering. I guess she wasn't giving him the correct answer and he started to whip he ass.

I remember those days. Getting beat on because hell what I was told was my disrespectful behavior. I thought about how many people probably heard my screams and saw the bruises and never even thought to help me. Then I thought how at least my ex never hit me in the street. Then realized I wasn't any better than she. I ran up to her to help her and pull her off of him. Then man look shocked and then tried to hit me. That's when another man pulled him off of me. I ran over to the female. Her mouth and her nose were bleeding and the right side of her face was swollen. And all I could think was "GOD, this was me." I asked her if she wanted help and if she wanted to go to the police station, I would go with her and hold her hand if she needed. She smiled at me, and said that she was alright. Pulled tissue out her pocket wiped her face and walked over to her man who now sported a busted lip and said for them to go home.

I was completely floored. I couldn't understand why? I would have grabbed the hand that offered help and ran with them. I would sang hymns as I was rescued. But then I realized why she didn't go with me or anyone who may or may not have offered help. She still loved him more than she loved herself. During the height of my relationship with my son's father I felt the same way. My physical abuse didn't start til after my son was born. Looking back the mental abuse was there but I never really paid it any mind. I figured that as long as I only dealt with him when I wanted then it wouldn't matter. I was wrong. The mental abuse wears you down and primes you for the physical.

Hopefully one day she'll wake up and realize that she deserves better. That she is worth more than a punching bag that he can't love her and break her ribs. That even though I don't know her I loved her enough to take a few hits for her to get her away from him.

A little seriousness today

2006-01-17T08:38:00.000-05:00

This weekend there was a funeral for a little girl named Nixzmary Brown. She died at the hands of her step-father and mother. The girl was 7 years old and weighed 36 pounds. She was beat and starved to death not to mention sexually abused. My issue isn't with her parents, the people in the world who should have protected her from the violence in the streets but only brought it to her, my issue is with everyone also who failed her.

Her mother said that she couldn't stop her husband from beating Nixzmary because she had a miscarriage in November. This is the saddest thing I have every heard in my damn life. I would understand if he abused the girl while the mother was in the hospital and then when she came home she beat the hell out of him. But she did nothing. The step-father said he beat her because she was wild, she would run around screaming and she had the NERVE to eat his yogurt.

My real problem is with her neighbors. Where were they while she was screaming for help and crying. Where was ACS when the school called and said she was bruised. The school did its job by reporting her little "accidents". Where were her siblings, some of which were older than her, they knew something wasn't right. I know all kids get their siblings in trouble but to the extent of seeing the other tied to a chair and punched? What was going on here?

Where was this grand mother who buried her this weekend? She claims that she loved her and she was her favorite, because she was such an angel, well where were you while she was being abused? Why did you not hear her screams of anguish?

This post is not to belittle the little girls memory. It was because I who has no relation to the little girl other than I was a little girl, had questions that one can or could answer. My heart aches for the little girl who will never know her first kiss, first real boyfriend or even her first real heartbreak. My heart aches because she will never have a prom, a wedding, or stay out past curfew. She will never get a chance to do the stupid things that everyone else got to do as a teen. All because she ate a fucking yogurt....

I am so sorry ya'll, I can't even finish this post.

I damn near got fired reading this...

2006-01-11T18:38:00.000-05:00

I nearly got fired reading this shit at work. See this is why you can not read Hot Ghetto Mess at your place of employment.

I aint never seen a black dude with so much asscrack hair. It looks like a mohawk. It's crinkly and wiry and glassy black colored. UGH.
I knew as soon as he got on top of me and sank his 9 incher into my puzzy. I ran my hands up and down his back and when I went low I thought I was touching the arm of my coat because it's that faux fur. No it was his booty crack hair! it actually comes out of the crack by three inches. he needs a brazilian wax no doubt!
I asked him what the deal was on that ass-fro and he said he been having it since he was 13 years old! ok he is now 23. I get sick thinking about it.
Well he'll never get this again. His butt looks too nasty and I think it stinks a lot because I keep smelling a booty smell. Yall know that hair holds funk. think of taking a big dump, wiping and just smearing that shit all in that hair like that? dingle berries, booty hair coated in dookey UGH. So after he shits he may as well just get in the shower cuz um his booty don't look or smell right afterwards. Oh and his boxers had streaks of brown in it too. How do you get doodoo stains on boxers?!!
I even offered to pay to get his crack waxed but he said no that only fags do shit like that. I wouldn't give no damn. it looks and smells nasty.
So you see i can't f*ck with him. He's nice, treats me nice and all, nice built and very cute but and I cant believe Im saying this that still ain't good enough. Drowning your privates in Issey Miyake ain't working either.
I just needed to get this out in the open. my friends and cousins think he is a good catch and he is but not my good catch. his bootycrack hair stinks and it's too wild and he refuses to wax or even trim it. he even told me that i am the only girl who has ever complained and that one girl offered to lick it! UGH. well that is all fine and dandy but i ain't having it.
now I have to tell my friends why i can't f*ck with him anymore. they are going to LTAO.

What kind of shit is that? An ass-fro? Good googa-mooga!!!! *DEAD!!!!!!*

New day, New Year...

2006-01-10T18:00:00.000-05:00

It is a new year and I haven't posted since like last year. My last post was a little sad because I was dealing with how I felt my life was going. I felt like things weren't going right for me and my efforts weren't being good enough. You guys have given me the written kick in the ass I needed, THANK YOU. I thank all of my regular readers and the new ones I have.

With that said I am back and hopefully acting more to the status my royal chosen name deserves. I am not saying that I will not feel this way about something else but I do know that you will tell me not what I need to hear but what I should already know. I have started my new term and I am damn near singing in the streets because I only have two more terms to go and I will have my degree. I am so proud of me. I didn't think I could do it but damn I am doing the damn thing and I kicking ass while doing it.

Life with Beloved is fine. As far as I know our relationship is coming along. People we know at our old job keep saying that we are getting married, that is a rumor started up by *V. I swear I am gonna bust her up. I keep getting people who want to be apart of my wedding. They have got to be kidding. I have three sister and if I had a wedding my sisters would be my bridesmaids. Well maybe not all of them my middle sister *C and I aren't that close. And besides I might have other family members I might want instead....wait we aren't getting married why am I on this track?

*Prince is proving to be a regular hellion. Today he made his father and I argue because he told his father that I threw out his hat. I told *DAMMITMAN that I did not. Why the hell would I do that? It was keeping him warm, I'm not that damn crazy. So *DAMMITMAN says to me then what happened to them like I should damn know. First of all I tell him and *Prince to make sure *Prince's things are put away. I don't have the time to look for anything nor will I try to. I have enough on my plate than to worry about where things are. This is not the answer he wanted to hear. So then he goes in to where were his sneakers that he can't fit anymore. I told him I don't know nor do I care where they are as long as they don't wind up on his feet. This makes him madder and he decides he wants to start yelling...did I mention that we are at the bus stop. Thankfully I am at the bus stop before the sun comes up and so there are only like maybe 4 people out there. It wasn't even funny I so told him to stop talking to me because I had nothing to say to him. I guess this pissed him off because if looks could kill then I would be dead now. He stormed off and walked to work. My son hurt me so bad to think he would lie to his father about something I didn't do. I am starting to expect that his father will do evil shit to me but my own son...something I created. I never thought it. I was so hurt by the little stunt my son pulled I couldn't even look at him cause I knew if I did I would probably want to choke-slam his ass. I simply and calmly took him to school and went to my classes.

*DAMMITMAN has been showing his natural ass. The other day he decides he wants to take my child over to some female's house. This female happens to be one of the female's he was fucking while I was pregnant. *I didn't know he was doing this until much later....like when the bitch showed up to my door figuring she had it like that, that was a fight and another story.* I simply asked him to bring my child home because I wasn't comfortable with it. And if the whole things was so damn innocent why didn't he call me or text me and tell me that he was going and taking *Prince. This resulted in him calling me all types of bitches and hoes, still I remained calm and asked him to bring back my child or it would be war. He still insisted on the cursing and yelling so I simply asked again if he wanted war, he hung up the phone on me and I saw this as an act of war. So now that man can't even talk to me with out me taking offense. I don't want to even hear him call my name, the only thing he can say to me would be any and all things about my son. Other than that I don't want to hear it nor do I care.

On the job front, they are trying to kill me. These people done cut my hours. I am so gonna have to get another job. I can't afford to stay here for what they are paying and the fewer hours I am now getting. So if anyone know anywhere hiring...let me know. This sucks. I know I was rich in a past life, because I am too unhappy being poor. And if I was poor before then you would think I would be used to it by now.
Not much going on in my life other than that. I'll try not to commit murder and stay in GOD's good graces.

I'm not logical.....

2006-01-09T10:12:00.000-05:00

Your IQ Is 95

Your Logical Intelligence is Below Average

Your Verbal Intelligence is Exceptional

Your Mathematical Intelligence is Average

Your General Knowledge is Exceptional

A Quick and Dirty IQ Test

Oh well. I better at other stuff anyway.

What I wanted

2005-12-30T10:15:00.000-05:00

When I was very little I imagined I would grow up and my father would find me (I didn't know him as a child, that's another story all together) and tell me I was a princess and my cousin would be very jealous of me and all her bullying would no longer matter.
Needless to say this did not happen. As it turned out my step-mother (the second one I had as I would find out...Another story also) would make him meet up with me. And he wasn't a king coming to sweep me off my feet but a short sanitation worker with more kids.
After that I started imagining my future as something I could control. I fantasized about me growing up going to high school meeting the my high school sweetheart, we go to the same college, marry our senior year and all that jazz. We would get careers in a wonderful company and we save up a lot of money and travel a lot. After that we would settle down and have our 2.5 kids, our cat that remain wonderfully kitten-like, and a condo (because I want to live in the city) that would be the envy of all who knew us.
Needless to say this is not how it worked out. I wind up having a child with my high school sweetheart my first year of college, he dupes me into thinking we'll get married later (I guess so I would keep the child), I stop school because I want to raise my child and because I was told that he would work for US so not to worry about it. Looking back I was as fresh as shit in a cow field. What in the hell was I thinking?
Now I see myself as something different. All the dreams I had for myself have just about disappeared. I no longer see myself with anymore children, I see myself alone. Yes, I know I am with *Beloved but I am starting to see that at some point I am going to want more than what he has to offer me, not because he won't want me but because he won't be ready. And I know I'll become bitter trying to hold on to him while I wait however long if ever for him to give me what I want. I see myself with no husband (not that I need one but I personally like the feeling of being in a partnership, as long as it isn't at the expense of myself) and with a child who wants to be with and around his father more than with me because his father is the fun one. I merely wash his clothes and take off of work and school when he is sick. I am the one who washes his ass and creams it so his excema doesn't flare up. But he wants to be with his father. I help him with his homework at the expense of mine and sleep. I carry him to school, yes literally carry him because he falls asleep while en route but his father has the x-box so I guess according to a child he is the better parent.
At this point in my life I am trying not to become bitter about what paths I have led myself down. I know everything happens for a reason. Everything is a learning experience as *Bigbrother has told me. I used to live by the saying "Je regret rien!" (I regret nothing) but I am finding that as I sit back and look back what I have done and went through I could have done it differently. The only problem is hind sight is 20/20 and no one can go back to fix it.

Christmas

2005-12-27T11:47:00.000-05:00

Now if you haven't noticed I don't really speak about my family because I am not really that close to them. It isn't that I don't love them or they don't love me, we just aren't all that close. It could be because I feel like I was always meant to bear the drama my mother had left and my family needed someone to blame for her idiocy. Who better than her first born child. The holidays were never really good for me. I don't like the commercialism, of the holiday and I can't stand everyone just running around going "What did you get me?". I am broke. And having seven siblings does not help at all.

At least it didn't snow. I hate that white shit from the sky. It is cold and everything looks like crap afterward. I hate it when that shit falls from the sky. The street look like hell. There is garbage all over the place. Nasty as hell. But I guess some people love it. Not I though.

I'm gonna have to meet him at the train station...

2005-12-23T15:01:00.000-05:00

Yes ya'll the Queen is threatening damn violence. I just finished my term at school and I got my grades in today. I received 3 As and a B+. I am fit to be tied! The father sucker gave me a B+!!!! That man can kick rocks for all I care. He knows he ain't right. I got a 92, 102 and alright I got a 60 on a test. But damn it no one passed and I was one of the people who got that damn close. He knows he needs his ass cut! Playing around with my damn G.P.A., I should cut him! I would leave work right now and whip his ass if I wasn't on desk duty! If I still got my period I would slap him with a bloody tampon! That Fucker!!

Teach the kids respect

2005-12-15T08:44:00.000-05:00

I was getting on the bus yesterday and this little badass boy was just cussing up a storm because people were bumping him because he wouldn't move out of the way. Now I tried to be nice to the little bastid since he was obviously dragged up instead of raised. I kindly asked him to excuse me while I tried to pass him by since he obviously had a monopoly of the spot right next to the front door of the new MTA bus. You know what that little shit told me? That little bastid said well move your fat ass in then. I nearly lost my damn mind! Then he told an old lady with a cane that if she bumped him he was going to push her old ass off the bus. *His words not mine* That is what sent me over the edge. I look at the little boy and told him he needed his ass cut! And he said he was gonna slap me. Good Lawrd, ya'll if I could have reached that badass little shit! I would have let him hit me just so I would have had a reason to chip his damn teeth! I swear, that little boy just don't know who he was fucking with!
See, I realize now that I had time to think about it, it isn't his fault that he is like that. It is obviously his parents fault. Now when I say parents, I don't mean just his mother and or father. I mean who ever takes care of the little shit. I mean someone somewhere has to love his fucked up ass. It is that person's fault that this little bastid has no damn home training. All I can say about that is I just wish someone would tell me that my son was cussing out older folks like that. I swear I would break my damn foot of in his damn ass!

I forgot to tell ya'll

2005-12-15T08:26:00.000-05:00

A few posts ago I put up a picture. This picture.

I forgot to tell ya'll what it really is. The picture looks to us grown folks like a two people getting a groove started. What it is supposed to be is seven dolphins. You are not to look at the light areas of the picture but the darkened ones. I've marked them below.

It is too damn cold

2005-12-13T14:10:00.000-05:00

I hate being cold. I have always hated it. It is currently 18 degrees in NYC right now. And I am hating every second of it. I want warm weather and all that jazz again. This makes no damn sense, I am wearing damn thermal everything. I mean it! I am wearing thermal pants, shirt and damn socks! Why the hell am I still cold? This sucks! And now I will be riding a damn bike in the middle of winter because of the looming transit strike. Don't they know if they strike everyone strikes! I can't afford to strike! I need my little four pennies I make every two weeks. This ain't fair. I mean I understand why they have to strike, but damn it give them what they ask for! They do it for sanitation, why not transit! I know one thing, if they do go on strike I will be choking the hell out someone! Cause I won't know until I wake up the next damn morning that I will now have to walk a good two miles to get my son to school! And damn it the way they are trying to charge me so much money *Prince will be attending every day of school even if we have to start walking from 4 in the morning!

I am not made of money

2005-12-12T10:26:00.000-05:00

*Prince's school trying to take me for all my damn money. On Friday, he came home with a paper stating that his school is hosting a dinner and all parents are responsible for paying for the tickets whether we go or not. Now if the tickets were cheap then I probably wouldn't be complaining but these damn tickets are like $500 each. I so want to tell them to suck a dick and lick balls! I can't afford that shit. That and they tell me now that the school has been having PTA meeting and all parents are enrolled (which isn't a bad thing) but the tell me that there are damn PTA dues. And it seem that I am late in payments. I want to know how I am late in payments when no one told me there were any dues until damn Friday. They can kiss my entire ass after a good healthy shit! I can't believe this shit! I am not made of money. The money I make barely pays my damn bills now. These people don't know if I suck dick or sell ass to get his tuition and it doesn't seem like they really care, and that ain't right. Before they come up with all these damn add on's they need to think maybe people don't have this type of money. Hell last year they got me on some, donate some money for the school to get new dry-erase boards for the classrooms. I have yet to see one damn board! Not to mention, I have to pay for his standardized test in the beginning of the year, every year. I can't do it! I think I am going to spend my damn lunch break looking up charter schools for *Prince. Cause the Queen has no damn cash!!

Time

2005-12-09T14:12:00.000-05:00

Today I was waiting for *Beloved to come out of his appointment at the doctor's office. As I was waiting, I noticed this lady with a very young baby. A very new baby. Now normally I cringe at the sight of all things infantile, since having my son. Not that I don't love my son, but I damn sure don't want anymore kids. Well...That is until today. I saw this little boy and I swear it was like my heart of ice melted. I swear I usually want to run when I see children, I mean just totally run in the opposite direction. I love kids, I just never wanted any. But since I was little I felt this way. While I was pregnant with my son, I wanted a girl real bad. But I got a boy, and I was content with that. Did think about having another child with his father but we had so many issues that I quickly changed my mind. Today looking at that little boy, I think I want one. It is scary to think that in fact if I told *Beloved he would run for the hills. Call me to tell me he was running and then hop a plane to get further away. I want another child before *Prince is too old to really bond with the child. My mother had me and my sister 10 years apart and I don't have much of a bond with her. I see her as an annoyance and she sees me as a wallet. I know at this point I am not equipped to handle another child but it doesn't stop the new and sudden longing for one. Maybe I'm just hormonal and the feeling will go away in a few days.

What kind of shit is this!!

2005-12-07T18:03:00.000-05:00

Man Struck by Car, Ticketed Later Dies

WASHINGTON (AP) -- A 73-year-old man who received a $5 jaywalking ticket after he was struck by a car later died from his injuries, police said Monday.

Charles Atherton, a former secretary of the U.S. Commission on Fine Arts that advises the government on architecture and design in official Washington, was hit Thursday while crossing busy Connecticut Avenue. He died Saturday night at George Washington University Hospital.

Although witnesses said he was badly injured and unresponsive at the scene, police issued him the ticket. His family found it with his belongings when they went to the hospital.

"We knew it was a serious injury, but we didn't know it was life-threatening," police Capt. Willie Smith told The Washington Post in a story for Tuesday editions. He said officers would not have issued the ticket "if we knew he was going to die."

Police said they determined Atherton was at fault when he was hit by a car driven by a 31-year-old woman.

Atherton was secretary of the presidentially appointed commission for 40 years and reviewed countless proposed monuments and projects in the capital, including the Franklin D. Roosevelt Memorial, the Vietnam Veterans Memorial and the National World War II Memorial.

Well damn at least he made it to the damn hospital. What the hell how the hell are you gonna ticket the man while he's lying on the damn floor. The person who gave the poor old man a ticket deserves to be fired.

Christmas Time is here

2005-12-06T14:15:00.000-05:00

It is that time of year again where people go damn near broke trying to get friends and family presents. I hate this time of year. I hate it because I have 7 damn sisters and brothers. The good thing is that most of them were raised Jehovah's Witnesses and "say" that they don't believe in Christmas. I have one thing to say about that....They lie! They won't give you a damn gift but they damn sure will accept one. They just say give them the present before or after Christmas so it doesn't seem like they are taking presents on the holiday. That's like a Muslim saying yeah just give me one more cup of egg nog for the road. That is some damn bull shit. Not to mention that my siblings have very expensive tastes. Shoot I would love to have expensive tastes but I have never tasted expensive. DAMN IT I would like some. Not to mention damn it most of us girls have kid now ( yes I said kid and not kids, we have damn near vowed not to have any more). I can't afford these little bastids! I got my own I can't buy things for. But I guess you know like they say it is better to give than receive.....You know what I would love to find out who the hell says that shit!! I like receiving and it feels mighty damn good! I want gifts too! Hell even if it is a construction paper card made by *Prince. In fact the first one he made me when he was in Pre-K for Valentine's Day made me weep like a little girl. In fact I still get all choked up about it. I ain't expensive, don't get me wrong I like nice things too but still. This Christmas I shall try not to dig my own grave by purchasing everything known to man for everyone else and their momma. This Christmas I am broke!

King Kong aint got nothing on herI

2005-12-05T10:17:00.000-05:00

I was doning my usual surfing during English class and this is something I tripped across. I never liked the movie King Kong as a child for the same reasons I never liked damn Tarzan. Shark-Fu may become a new must read.

Dirty Mind Test

2005-12-05T09:48:00.000-05:00

Come on now. It took me a good ten minutes to find out that there was something else in this picture. People at my job were staring at me like I was a pervert for how long I was looking at this thing. They say that if you either are a child or have a child-like mind you wont see the people but something else. I guess I'm a jolly old pervert cause for a while all I could think about was sex. And that's bad compared to how often I think about it now. I'll tell ya'll later what the other picture is.

All Right Ya'll

2005-12-02T16:46:00.000-05:00

I broke down and finally changed the site a bit. I know it is nothing spectacular but hey it will be my new home for a few. Or until I get the hang of damn HTML. I really need someone to teach me that shit. I want a pretty pretty site like the ones I see other folks have. But on with my life.

I went to the movies with *Beloved yesterday. We saw the new Harry Potter movie. I know I am such a little kid. Yes it was my idea. But tonight we are going to see Aeon Flux. I have only seen the trailer like one time but he says that it was a adaptation from a comic book. I guess it'll be good. I gotta break it to my baby that I failed a test. I wanna cry. The good thing is the teacher said he knew that I wasn't feeling well that day and will give me a make over since I usually get 90s and 100s on the other tests he's given. I feel so damn low about that. But hey what can I do. I think I passed the test I took today for the same class. I know I did well because it was all math and I am so the bomb at math. I only like math because you can see where you went wrong. Well no bitch-fest today. So peace, love and all the good hair grease for the locs.

Di Pickney Dash Out Mi Dayam Food!

2005-11-29T14:08:00.000-05:00

The other day I was just feenin' for some hominy porridge. I don't exactly live in the neighborhood to get it with ease, so I went out of my way to get a bag of hominy corn. I just knew I was going to get to sit down one of these damn days and soak my corn. Then I was going to cook it with all the glee I could muster. You see I used to hate that stuff. My granny used to make it at least once a week. And every week it was a battle of wills. My granny's will for me not to waste her damn food and my will to not get my ass beat for throwing away her food. As I look back that was some tasty stuff! I guess my tastes have evolved since then. Now I fight with *Prince about food. Ya'll he didn't throw out my cooked porridge, oh no. See I was prepared for that one coming. The dayam foo-fool bwoy dash way mi uncook bag. Now to add insult to injury, it wasn't as if he threw the unopened bag in the garbage, he fed mi damn hominy to the birds!!! I was wondering why I had all these birds in the front of my damn house I didn't think anything of it until this morning when I went to soak my corn. I just wanted to cry. I would ask my granny to make it for me but she says she is too old to be cooking. That is so not true!!! Who cooks better than granny! Yes she has been feeding us (her children [6] and grandchildren [7]), but now she wont feed her two great grands! I remember my great granny cooking for me and my other cousins. *wails* I want mi porridge! And I can't ask my mother because she doesn't eat it so she wont make it.

I'm a princess

2005-11-22T14:44:00.000-05:00

I knew me being prissy would come in handy.

The Noble Princess

You are just and fair, a perfectionist with a
strong sense of proper decorum. You are very
attracted to chivalry, ceremony and dignity.
For the most part you are rather sensible, but
you are also very idealistic.

Role Models: Guinevere, Princess Fiona (of Shrek)

You are most likely to: Get kidnapped by a stray
dragon.

What Kind of Princess are You? - Beautiful Artwork (Original Music is BACK!!!)
brought to you by Quizilla

Nasty....

2005-11-18T16:23:00.000-05:00

All right ya'll I'm gonna go off on a little tangent.

Ever since I was little, I would wait til the last minute to go the bathroom. I would literally wait til I had to hop on one leg to get there.

Now with that said flashback to the present.

I was running (alright I was speed walking cause my ass runs no where) to the bathroom yet again. I gotta do better cause I drink a lot of water. I make it in and everything is going well. There is tp in the bathroom, there are seat covers and I even hovered without getting any in my sock. *Don't ya'll act brand new!* I come out feeling like I can spell "relief" a whole new way. I go to wash my hands and there are women not washing their nasty ass hands. I was so disgusted. Not even a complimentary rinse, you know the one you do when there's no soap. But damn it there is soap! It is the nice kind too!

I work in NYPL. So I am constantly touching books that these same nasty ass people move around. That and they want to constantly touch you! EWWWWWWW!!!! I can't stand that shit! Please don't touch me! Matter of fact no please, just don't touch me. I don't like being touched be people I know. So for people I have no idea of where your hands have been. NO thank you!!

So the Queen is demanding that her subjects WASH THEIR DAMN HANDS AFTER USING THE BATHROOM! EVEN IF YOU ARE JUST EMPLOYING THE RINSE TECHNIQUE. JUST DO SOMETHING!!!

That has been my PSA of the day.

Thanksgiving

2005-11-17T15:02:00.000-05:00

Next week Tuesday my son is going with his grandmother to SC. They are going away for a few days (like til Sunday) and for some strange reason I am not happy about it at all. It seems that every holiday she wants to take my son and run to her family's house down south. Now I am not saying this to be ungrateful as I do sometimes need the break off from him so I can do some work. But every holiday? I know some of you are saying "Queen, just tell the lady that you want your child with you on the holiday's". And I would had this been his father (her son) cause I don't really care what he thinks. But when I need help she is there, so it kinda is a little hard for me. Now don't get me wrong, I have found put from some other people we both know that when she does help me it sometimes comes with "side talk". But hey everything has its side effects. I guess if I want to keep my child with me I'll have to up and go somewhere else with him.

Attitude

2005-11-15T11:23:00.000-05:00

My grandmother told me when I moved out of her house at 18, "Where ever you go, there you are." At first I just knew the old lady was losing her damn mind. I mean come on who the hell isn't where they are. I'm here, you are there... you get it? But I have come to realize that she meant that no matter how far I run, who I am and want to be will be there to meet me. In fact she will be there way before I get there. The attitude that I had last week will meet me this one. You can't just walk around with your face dragging and not expect the world to treat you accordingly.

Lately, I have been trying to clear all the negativity from my life and this has cost me a few people I thought were friends. But it isn't too much of a loss because they were only bringing me drama or someone else's. Now I will not say that this wasn't entertaining but still I needed to grow up and change. Besides, these people were not only bringing dirt but I am sure they were carrying it.

Because I have been cutting these loose threads, I have had people tell me that I now act as if I am better than they are. I don't think that I am any better than anyone else. I just hold myself to a higher degree. I have decided that since I swallowed so much "shit" from other people, that I would no longer accept it from anyone else again.

I have realized something, the only way someone can stab you in the back is if you are in front of them.

Fuck the World...

2005-11-09T15:40:00.000-05:00

This post is cause I'm mad as hell. Shit is just going wrong and my usually happy ass just don't like it.

1. Fuck Bloomberg: That SOB needs to get the hell out of office. I swear anyone but him. I would have voted for a butt-fucking monkey before I voted for his ass.

2. Fuck my parents: My mother for not getting her shit together. And my father for having a damn gang of kids and not wanting to take care of us, but goes out and get a foster kid.

3. Fuck my brother: For getting a new apartment and inviting me to his house warming and making me stress about what to get his ass! I aint got no damn gwap!!! And his ass is expensive!

4. Fuck *Beloved: Yesterday we got into an argument. We'll probably get over our first real fight but it still hurts.

5. Fuck my older sister *Red: I'm hating on her car right now. This bitch is riding around in style and I'm riding the "iron horse".

6. Fuck blogger: Cause for the past few days I haven't been able to really access anyone else's blogs. And it is starting to get on my nerves.

7. Fuck *BklynNative: She knows how she got on my damn nerves. I have enough on my plate than to have people tell me how I should live my life! I know I fucked my own shit up. Let me fix it!

8. Fuck blogger again: cause they don't have any new templates, and I have no idea where to get new ones. I want to change my site damn it and I wanna do it now. *But note how I continue to use their shit any way!*

9. Fuck my English teacher: How the fuck are you teaching me English when you barely speak it? I am going to sleep in your class because I'm bored bitch! Step up you game! I know what the hell a noun is and how to make the bitch plural! Ex. Bitch, bitches

10. Fuck *Dammitman: Just cause he's an asshole. I swear he acts like the sun just rises and sets on his ass! He forgets that I was with his ass when all he had was the shit in his ass!

11. Fuck my job: Cause they are not paying me for the holidays coming up! It isn't my fault these are holidays. I want my money. I would come in to work. That and I'm under paid!

12. Fuck my son's school: They are trying to raise the damn tuition again! I can't afford this shit! *see 11*

13. Fuck Victoria's Secret and Fredrick's of Hollywood: For not having my damn bra size! Like my size is that hard to damn make!!!

14. Fuck Hall's: For not making a cough drop that actually works.

15. Fuck the patron I got at work: Asking me if I know where the blue fuck satan's web site is! Do I look like I fucking know?! Just cause I look evil today don't mean I am! Fuck that cud-chewing heifa!

Is this LOVE that I'm feeling....

2005-11-02T14:02:00.000-05:00

When we met I was bitter and angry with my situations from my son's father to my job. You weren't much better, you didn't want to work at the job, you were (kinda still are) anti-social, and the guys at the job thought you were gay. Not that you acted that way (how do you really act gay...Unless you are flaming) but you weren't interested in any females around you.

At first you paid me no mind and I ignored you too, but then I realized that I had to work with you and if my home life can't be pleasant my work environment should be. I got tired of the mean muggs you were throwing me, so to get your attention I started poking you in the ribs. Yes it was annoying but it was effective. I also changed your name from what it was to Beloved. To me it just fit you better than the one you had. It just felt right. Obviously it felt that way to you because you never batted an eyelash when I started calling you that, you would just answer me and go about your day. After awhile the poking must have gotten on your last nerve cause you picked me up by my ankle. I guess that'll be one to tell the kids.

I told you I liked you before everyone and their grandmother could tell you, well before *GayJay (he told us to call him that) and *Dazed&Confused (she's my girl and a bag of pearls but..) could tell you. I guess you were flattered. I thought you were cute, I think when I told you blushed. I haven't seen you do it since so I don't know for sure. When we started hanging out we agreed that it would only be as an arrangement to ease so tension, and it worked that way. I guess we got a little attached..That's cool though because I didn't mind.

Since we've been together you have put up with the craziest of situations. From *Dammintman to the Prince to my ever changing school schedule. And I thank you for that. *Beloved I promise you that one day, if you just wait it out it will all be worth it. I'm going through all of this because I want to make myself a better person. Which will make me a better person for you. Just ride with me through this.

You've asked before why I love you and I know why I guess I'm just embarrassed about sharing that with you. And I know it seems weird to be able to tell you through a blog that millions of people can read. I don't know why it is easier to tell strangers than it is to tell the one person who matters.

I love you because you are supportive of me, not just because you want some thing from me but because you are genuinely interested. I love you because you are the first person I can really be myself with, I don't feel like if I have a bad day I have to hide it from you. In short, I don't have to wear a mask when we are together. I can laugh, cry (I have yet to do that with you yet) or even have an emotional outburst and not have you think any less of me. I love you because when I'm with you I can tell you anything about myself or my family and not have you think I'm a freak. And that is not in a good way I'm talking. I love you because despite what you think you *Prince actually likes you. And that is so important to me.

I AM SO IN LOVE WITH YOU BECAUSE YOU ALLOW ME TO BE..And I am the happiest with you than I have been in a very long time.

Frankincense and Myrrh

2005-10-31T13:51:00.000-05:00

I went to church yesterday with *Empress. It was a Rasta church. I never knew they even had an actual building for worship. I liked the experience. I got a little woozy from the incense burning and the fact that they burn so much of it that the air is literally thick with it. That and they MAKE you inhale the incense by shoving into you face. It kinda makes your throat dry and so does the chanting but I actually liked it. I asked *Empress how long she had been Rasta, and she told me that her family is Rasta. In fact her uncle is a "Nyah-bingi" priest. She told me that she used to attend an Ethiopian church but decided that this one was for her. So if I actually decide to become a Rasta, I'll have to give up red meat (which I was planning to do anyway), start keeping my hair covered, and only wear skirts (but it gets cold out here). I think I can live with that, they (Rastas) believe in Jesus anyway so I wouldn't traveling far from my own faith. I do have to investigate this some more, but who knows maybe one day I'll be blogging as *JamaicanEmpress.

A Nice Can of Shut the Fuck Up!!!

2005-10-27T14:34:00.000-04:00

"You're kinda cute for a dark-skinned girl..."

I heard this on my way to work today running from school. Now normally my "kiss my entire ass" mentality would have kicked in but I wasn't prepared for that to come out of his mouth. So instead I simply hissed at him through clenched teeth "get the hell away from me!" I told a friend of mine *DarkskinQueen, and she told me I should have all but cut his ass. No instead I simply wished I had found away to market my new product..."SHUT THE FUCK UP". Now see I've got this planned out, my product would help people do just that. No more random ass-whoopings cause you couldn't. Hell you could even purchase this product for that co-worker who won't do just that! I mean the sales would be through the roof!!!

I even thought about making the product come in different flavors; even an ass-flavored one for the more stubborn. I mean it should even come in the hot or cold varieties. I even have a commercial for it. See picture it.....

Guy one: "Damn son, I don't know what wrong with me. I lost my job cause I told my boss to kiss my ass, my girl slapped the shit out of me and then broke up with me cause I told her I wanted to fuck her sister, and I got my ass beat by the po-po cause I called him a crakka-ass crakka! I don't understand it is like my head thinks one thing and my mouth just runs with it."
Guy two: "Yeah dun, that sounds fucked up! But yo, I'm bout to let you in on my little secret that keeps me from getting into trouble like that. My sister put me on like a few years ago. It is called Shut the Fuck Up!. I mean I don't nearly get my beat anymore and I don't say the stupid shit that pops into my head! I tell you, dun, this shit is a life saver!"
Guy one: "For real?! Yo son, I need some of that where can I get some?"
Guy two: "I hook you up for sho!!!"

~~~~~Two weeks later~~~~~~~~~~
Guy one: "Yo I haven't gotten my ass whipped in like...Two whole weeks! I love that shit!"
Guy Two: "See I told you that this is the truth!"

See I told you I got that shit locked! Now all I need is a sucka..I mean an investor for my product.

To use or Not to use.....

2005-10-24T10:51:00.000-04:00

I have been giving a lot of thought of the process of using someone lately. I know that in a “civilized” society everyone uses someone else or something to benefit themselves in some form. Don’t get your panties in a bunch, everyone does it. See look an example: You use your job for money and your job uses you for labor (sometimes cheap depends on your job). This arrangement is legal and no one calls foul. In the immortal words of my aunt *J, “One hand washes the other, but they both wash the face.

I know I use people, hell I tell you who I use and be proud of it. I use my boyfriend for affection and companionship, I use my son as a second childhood and to show me the things that I would normally miss, my son’s father as a provider for my *Prince and when I’m at work free babysitting, my siblings as future possible organ replacement (Just kidding, none of us have the same parents so I would die if I tried to take their shit).

My problem hasn’t been with me using people but them using me. Now I know since I use people in my own way I should have no complaints about them doing it to me. And normally I don’t but lately I have been noticing the actual using. I know in life that in life sometimes you get to be the “dick” and other times the “asshole”. I know this, I understand this, hell I feel this. All I am saying is that if it is my turn to be the “asshole” lube me up first. You know be gentile, use the warming kind. I’m sensitive. Make me enjoy you using me, hell if you can’t do that then at least make it so I don’t mind you doing it.

My point in this entry, is for those who think that I don’t know am being used, I know! I normally don’t mind but now you are being grimy with it. You only want me around when something can be had from me. I am not going to confront you about it nor will you hear another word out of me about it. Just know that 1. Karma is one hellified bitch and 2. I always kiss until I can kick!

INSTALLING HUSBAND 1.0

2005-10-19T17:08:00.000-04:00

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0. and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.5 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.htm" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, over use of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5 Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background, that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7

Good Luck,
Tech Support

My Darling Prince

2005-10-18T14:55:00.000-04:00

This is for my son.

Before you were born, I didn't want children ever. I didn't think that I would be a good mother. I knew I had no patience and that scared me to think that I might be responsible for someone else.
When I found out that I was pregnant, I was scared and didn't know how I would tell your father or my family. I was in college and your father had just gotten his job. We were not capable of taking care of you. Everything in my body, mind and most of my family told me not to have you. In fact, the day I was going to have the abortion, you moved. I was so shocked that I just felt that I should let you stay since you chose to come to life through me. I was amazed by the fact that I could actually feel the life in me. I walked out of that clinic that day and into another part of my life that began with you.

During my pregnancy with you, I was amazed by how you changed not only my body but my mind. Before you I was war-ish and mean spirited. I guess that is because I felt I had nothing to live for. But with you I had new meaning. Even though right now, you father and I are not together, we were before you were born, during my pregnancy and for a few years after that. I want you to know that if nothing else you were conceived in love.

You were born on Mother's day in 2000. I didn't know it was Mother's Day for about two days after but I guess you would be considered my first Mother's Day present. You were so small and wonderful and I wondered how something so small and weighing less than a bag a sugar could kick me the way you did. *those kicks would hurt*
For the first time in my life I understood what unconditional love actually felt like. I looked at you and cried because seeing you made me feel more complete than I had in years. I knew at that moment that everything you would do, I would rejoice in it as if these accomplishments were directly mine.

As you've grown I have actually been amazed at how much you have literally morphed before my eyes. I still wake up expecting to see you in a crib. And as you grow more independent from me it hurts but I know that this is something that you need to do. When you were a baby you needed my help for everything now all I hear from you is "But Mommy I can do it!". While that brings tears of joy to my eyes it also brings sadness to my heart.

I have watched you change from a lump in my stomach to a beautiful little boy. I couldn't wish for a better little boy if I tried. While I wont say that you are or were an angel your whole life I will say that you certainly looked like one while you were committing your little nefarious deeds. I love you *Sunshine. You are the most perfect thing I have ever created.

My diet starts now!

2005-10-17T11:12:00.000-04:00

Fat ass!!

That is just sad and nasty!

Because Joy tagged me....

2005-10-11T18:20:00.000-04:00

I know it has taken me few days to finally get around to this. But I have a good reason and it was because my school term just started up again. So I had to get the new schedule and fix my job schedules to match. But I'm back and learning how to type correctly. But that is a different blog all together. And now with the List.

7 things I plan to do before I die:

1-I want to be happy: For some this isn't that big of a deal but for me I would hope that this doesn't elude me. Not saying that I'm a miserable person.
2-Travel: I want to go further than my home country and not have to worry about the cost of anything.
3-Be at peace with myself: I want to come to grips with the fact that I'll never be a "perfect size 6". I am not saying that I think I'm obese by any means I just can't help those moments when I feel insecure about myself.
4-Have a career: Right now I work yes. But I have two jobs. To me a job is something you do because it pays the bills. Not something that you actually love doing.
5-Own my home: I want this because I grew up in a house that my grandmother owned. I want my son to have a home in a house with grass that he has to mow.
6-See my parents in the same room: My parents were never married (at least not to each other) and I would like my parents to at least both agree on how much I have changed over the years. The tension is so serious with my parents. Once I was in the hospital and my mother wouldn't even ride in a car with my father to come see me. Yeah it is that deep.
7-Find my peace with my creator: I was raised Pentecostal and in some ways I still am. But as I have gotten older I have come to see some of the hypocrisies that are in the church. Before I die I want my bond with the creator to be complete.

7 things I can do:
1-I can roll my stomach: Yeah like a belly dancer. My godmother still teases me about that.
2-Hook up a weave: Hell I have worn enough of them that I should know. I am so happy I am out of that trap now.
3-Speak French: I took seven years of it. I better be by now. Funny thing is I can't speak "gypsy" (that's like a Jamaican pig Latin, can't do it for shit)
4-Remember totally useless information: For some reason weird things just stick in my damn head and never leave. If anyone is ever on "Who wants to be a millionaire" make me your life line. I swear you wont regret it.
5-Laugh at myself: If I bust my ass on a patch of ice in the winter, as long as I have not broken anything(and I probably would still laugh) I'll be the one laughing the hardest.
6-Do a handstand under water: I used to be on the swim team and sometimes there was nothing better to do.
7-Spin around not get dizzy: I think this might be because I used to spin around a lot as a kid. Didn't get dizzy then still don't now.

7 things that attract me to the opposite sex:

1-aggressiveness: Now I'm not talking about that whoop that trick aggressive. I mean that when he says do something you do it not because you are scared half to death but because he just got it like that.
2-Faith: It is a wonderful thing for a man to realize that there is something higher than himself.
3-Patience: I know that I can be a trying heifa sometimes...nuff said
4-Education: It doesn't have to be from an actual building of learning but it could be self taught. But I want him to at least have read a book. And understood it.
5-Wide shoulders: I can't explain this one but damn it I like it...
6-Cooking skills: I want a man who can cook or at least will try to. Now the Queen can burn but even if he can only make me a turkey sandwich and a cup o' noodle he'll have a place in my heart.
7-Some kind of mechanical skill: I want to know that if the sink is leaking I wont have to pull out the inflatable raft and oars.

7 things that I say most often:

1-Wow-zers: Don't ask. I picked it up
2-Hi luv: If I say this to you it doesn't mean anything I just call everyone luv or cookie.
3-You need to be kicked to sleep: I will say this to anyone who gets on my nerves.
4-Dude: I like this because it can be used for any situation.
5-sure: I will say this if I have no idea what you are saying and/or I have no intention of doing what you ask
6-Cool beans: I don't know why but I say it when I am in total agreement.
7-I want to go home: I am so used to being outside because of work and school that I say this even when I home. Sad but true.

7 celebrity crushes :

1-Don Cheedle: I don't care what anyone says, this man is hot! I feel in lust with him when he was in Rosewood.
2-Larenz Tate: I just love me some him. I have loved him since he was in the Women of Brewster Place. He was one of them bad ass kids. Yeah how many people know that one.
3-Omar Epps: I still will watch Love and Basketball over and over.
4-Jet Lee: Yeah I had to get the Asian dude in there.
5-Adrian Paul: Yeah token white dude.
6-Terence Howard: Yeah he's married to a Becky and his last role he wanted to "whoop dat trick" but he's still sexy as FUCK!!!!
7-Ky-Mani Marley: Yeah he's rasta and I would have to adapt to the weed smoke (sorry herb) but for him I'll give up some salt and meat.

7 people I want to do this :

1-Diva girl
2-Myrah
3-BklynNative
Well that's all cuz I don't know many people who actually have blogs. I finally got this up for ya'll. And damn if this wasn't hard.

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!!!

2005-10-06T09:31:00.000-04:00

Hey all, today is my birthday! I know I should be happy or excited but I just can't bring up the emotion. Bklynnative and I are gonna go to the movies and maybe get something to eat. *Beloved is going to take me out tomorrow, and even *DammitMan offered to get me something. I guess I should be happier but I'm just not. I guess it is because another year has passed but I have yet to actually accomplish anything. I have nothing to show for the however many years of my life. And quite frankly it sucks. I will now go back to work and wallow in more self pity. Thanks for coming.

Ode to *DammitMan

2005-10-05T10:48:00.000-04:00

When I met you I was a 13 year old freshman in high school and you were 17 and a senior. I used to get to school early just so I would see you leaving the weight room while I pretended to set up my tenor sax (not that it took long) and watch you from the corner of my eye. When you finally noticed me and gave me your pager number I just knew I was the shit! I look back and realized I fell in love with you then. Anything you asked of me and I would have jumped to do it. And I did. I was completely willing to follow you with my eyes wide shut.

I got pregnant with our child one week before my 19 birthday. We were "celebrating" you having a new job, a stable job. We thought we were ready for that responsiblity. It has proven harder than we thought. But I don't regret having your child. I fact I think if I got a chance to do it over again, I probably would, just at a later date. You are a wonderful provider for our *Prince.

During our time together we have experienced a lot. You have actually watched me grow up. I have actually learned alot from you. I learned that love isn't supposed to hurt. That I love you wasn't shouldn't come after a push through a table, or a punch to the face or shove into the wall. Those words shouldn't come before you ask me for sex (or should I say demand it because if I refused I got the above) or tell me you want something.

An apology. It shouldn't be followed with " It is your fault you made me ...." nor should it be done after three days of you making me cry. An apology shouldn't make you wonder when it will be said again because you now the person will hurt you, physically or mentally.

When you cheated on me last year, I thought my world would end. That I would die and I should just crawl into a hole and let me body decompose because that's what it felt like I should do. But eventually the world started spinning and I realized that without you I would be alright. The moment you saw that I no longer wanted to die from the lack of you being around, you decided to come back. But this door was closed. Now longer would I listen to you tell me that no one wanted me and that without you I would fail because I had no real education and no support besides you. I woke up one morning and realized that I had all the love I would ever need the love I was born with...the love of myself.

While we were together I let so much of myself fade into non-existance that everything you wanted and did I thought was for me. I rejoiced when you got you jobs, promotions, hell anything. I rejoiced so much that I was blinded to the fact that I had nothing and was going to gain nothing from your joys. I wont say that you didn't provide for me but I don't think you were ever in love with me. You purchased what I needed, but I paid for them in other ways. I cleaned for you, cooked for you and your family. I did whatever you asked for without a thought of what was in it for me at the end of it.

I learned what love is not because you showed me but because you showed me what it shouldn't be. It shouldn't hurt and it wont make you cry. Love while not always returned wont make you want to curl up and die. I can't say that I don't love you, because I aways will. You are the father of my only child. But I am no longer in love with you. It feels really good to let go of something that is hurting you. For a long time I thought it was better to have a man than not have one. Even if that "man" is making you feel like you are dying a little every day. I am happy to know that I finally realized that I no longer need you or any other man. I know that I can want one but never need one.

This sucks....

2005-10-04T12:02:00.000-04:00

I just got the rusults from the interview for my promotion... was denied. They told me that they were happy about my interest in the position and that I should I apply at a later date for another position. What is the salt in the wound that is this refusal is that they have the damn nerve to tell the person's name who did get the position. I just would like to wrap my fingers around her neck until she decides that she no longer wants the position and they offer it to me instead. But I guess that would be a little violent.

I went to my uncle's wedding this Saturday. It was nice. I am so happy for him but I guess I'm feeling alittle bitter because I was with my son's father for twice the amount of time he was with his now wife and they are married. I finally saw all of my relatives ( from my mother's side) in one place. We even got along. My grandmother was so pleased. We usually argue or something but surprisingly not a single fist fight broke out. Two couples even got engaged at the reception. *grumble-grumble*

I have a discussion with my son's father let's name him um....*DammitMan. Now back when we were together that was a good thing. After sex I would be like *DAMMITTMAN! And pass out. Now when I see him and he wants to have one of his talks that just end up with me hating him even more it's like *DAMMITMAN, leave me the fuck alone. But any way he wants to tell me why he want to have sex with me again. Not why he wants to be back together, not why he still loves me. Just why he still wants the ass. Basically he says that he misses it and he is used to it and I should (because he said so) just ante up the panties. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Right. So after I laugh in his damn face he gets all pissed off. Whatever!!

But hey that has been my past few days. Come back for the next installment of Jamaican Queen unhappy life!

Aint this a damn shame....

2005-09-29T11:03:00.000-04:00

On my morning surfing I came across this site Some old bullshit

At first I just laughed my ass off as to how the hell this woman actually pulled this shit off! But then I thought about how sad life must have been for the little boy. Then I thought of Joy's site and I realized that some women can actually be that damn cruel.

Dancing like a fool....

2005-09-26T11:02:00.000-04:00

I finished this term with *drum roll please* three A's, an A-, and a B. And that be was in the class I just knew I was gonna pass by the skin of my teeth. ya'll just don't know how good I feel right now. Hell, let me draw a picture; it feels like you just took of a pair of too shoes that fit in the store but now they pinch you pinky toe (on just one foot), you are running through YOUR house on the new x-tra thick carpet to the bathroom to pee, because you didn't want to bare your ass to the elements in that nasty ass club. You finally rip off the panty hose and your "damn does she have on draws" thong, sit down and you don't even have to release, the pee just flows...Then you get that tingle. You know the one that goes all the way to your toes. Yup that's how I feel. All of that. I know I should be waiting and holding that feeling in until I finish college not just the term but I have learned to take what you got and enjoy it because nothing is promised.

Speaking of nothing promised, my birthday is coming up. It is one the sixth. Usually I am so damn happy when my birthday comes up and I'm wound up for weeks. But this year all I can think about is whether or not this is the year I start lying about my age. I mean I figure that the earlier I start the more believable it will be. I mean I have already got my sister *R* and *Bklnnative (cousin) to join in on the lie since we are all the same age. The only problem is *Beloved. He says he wont ride on the lie. I swear I should have him beheaded! Or at least rip his tongue out of his mouth. *That might be a bad idea since he is very good with it.* I'll think of something. It is easy for him not to join in he just turned 21 this year. And he has no damn kids! I could just strangle him if I didn't love his ass. But I think I'll start the whole elaborate plot, yes my tangled web shall be wonderful and divine. And no one shall discover that I am not my age. MUWHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! *rubbing hands together* Unless they work at the damn DMV.

I'm Back!!!

2005-09-21T14:15:00.000-04:00

Well ya'll the Queen has been MIA since the post about not settling. And I have a very good reason. I had finals. I have 5 classes and I know the grade for 2 of them already. I have an A+ and an A. I know two of my other three classes I just know I passed. As for that other one, as long as get atleast a C, I will feel no damn pain. I am just gonna be so hurt that my G.P.A. is gonna drop. BUt hey I'll pull it up next term.
Also I have a second interview for my promtion. I am so excited. I so hope I get it. The Queen and the Prince need some new blue suede shoes. Things have been alright with the Queen and her consort. A few weeks ago he cut a damn fool and the queen thought she was gonna have to make a blog about her having to eject this jester from her queendom. But he fixed that situation with many sorries, I love you's and I didn't mean it's. So all while I am on pins and needles about it I guess I will have to ride this out. No, ya'll he didn't cheat on me. That would be "Live from Ossining....Jamaican Queen!".
My reading for the week is.....Fast Food Nation. It is breaking my damn heart. I love cheeseburgers and now know why McDonalds fries used to have me feeling like a crackhead.

Settling For vs. Accepting What You Have

2005-09-08T11:27:00.000-04:00

Settling For-To accept in spite of incomplete satisfaction: had to settle for a lower wage than the one requested.

Lately my family has been asking me when if ever I am getting married. They have said that I am running out of time and no man is gonna want me as I get older and lose my shape. It is bad enough that I have a baby's father that is still in his son's life ( and subsequently my own, but would it be better if my son had no father in the picture). I have been told that I should just find an older man who will take care of me and stop looking for a man of my own age range because if he doesn't have kids then he is just looking for a ride and nothing really will come of it. That in all truth I should just settle.

Well damn it! What if I don't want to settle?! I want a man who wants me as I am, the way I am. With all my faults and glories. I want a man who is IN LOVE with me, form my nappy-ass locs to my sometimes (times are hard) pedicured feet. I want him to love me because I am me. I want him to love the fact that I am filled will often times useless information, scared of mice and the fact that I squeal with delight. I want him to love the fact that I have moments when I want to left alone and the fact that I snore lightly in my sleep ( Beloved let me know that one). I don't want a man to support me financially if I can work.

I want and demand that he support me emotionally, spiritually, physically, and mentally. I demand this because I want to do this for him. I want him to know that if I wind making more than him He won't feel any less of a man. I want him to know that because I make less than him I won't ask him for every little thing that pops into my head. I don't want to be his mother but I won't mind being his mami (that's for you *L*). I want to be stronger than me and I don't just mean physically, because on days when I finally break down and cry I don't want him to run at the sight of me breaking down. I want him to be strong enough to cry when necessary. By necessary I mean if you slam your hand in a car door, your family member dies or is hurt. Not if you got pickles in your cheese burger and you don't like them.

I want a man who knows that I love him and would move heaven and earth for him but does not feel threatened because I will drop everything and knock down old people to get to my son. I don't want him to doubt my love because I laugh at some other man's joke or he tells me that I look nice. I want him to be comfortable with it because our love is that strong that he knows I'm not going anywhere without the man that makes my heart speed up and my skin tingle.

I want him strong enough to know when to put his foot to my ass to motivate me even when I try to pull the black-chick neck swivel. * I never learned how to do that without hurting myself.* But not to be stupid enough to actually put his hands on me in anyway that would cause me harm.

I need this type of man. I will accept if he doesn't have all of this but I would be setting if I take a man that has none of these qualities. I am accepting that for a man like this I may have to wait.

MAKES ME WANNA HOLLA!!!

2005-09-01T11:00:00.000-04:00

This just hurts. I can't believe the way the media just shows us to be so wrong. I can't even express.

http://news.yahoo.com/photo/050830/photos_ts_afp/050830071810_shxwaoma_photo1

and

http://news.yahoo.com/photo/050830/480/ladm10208301530

What in the hell is the DAMN difference????

Some man fe get coof....

2005-08-26T14:18:00.000-04:00

Hey JQ,
So here's the latest drama that comes along with being from a Jamaican family. So after we all (being all my bros and sis and they're badass kids) go to a baby shower for some 3rd cousin of mine, I ask for a drop home. Or at least to a near by train station. I end up going with "C" in the Escalade. So we're passing Pelham Bay and I ask to be dropped by the 6. He says that he hates driving around there because he gets lost. So he said he'd drop me off at the 4 or the 5. I relax because I think "Oh..ok...I can handle the 4, I'll take that to the D then transfer to the A. Cool."

I get dropped at the Gunn Hill Road stop of the 5 in the Bronx.

Now let me tell you : I have NEVER take the 5 past 14th Street in Manhatten. Then to make matters even better, the damn train was only running shuttle and it ended at the next stop. So I get off at 180th to wait for the 2 (another train that I'm not familiar with past 42nd) when I notice that besides myself, there are only two othe people on the platform. Two men who were looking kinda shady to me. Now I know you think I think I think all men are shady but these dudes were scary. So I do what any girl would do and leave the station to take a cab to another station not in East Tremont. That is if said had car fair...which I didn't. So I went back into the station and took the train to Pelham Bay (where I wanted to be anyway) and waited for the BX12. In the rain. At midnight. Alone. In front of a park. Needless to say I got home safe but I wouldn't have needed to go through all of that if " C" had taken me home or at least taken me to a station in a better neighborhood. I may be from the hood but my ass can't handle thugs not from BK. I know how to handle ENY dudes but the Bronx? Yo, I've seen Warriors too many times to take any chances out there.

Which leads us to this weekend pass. So why does my sis "J" wake me up on the phone asking me what time I was going to get there. I was not aware of any appointments. Turns out my latest niece was getting christened that day. As ususal no one felt the need to tell me. But I'm sorry. The psychic gene passed me and I need people to tell shit's happening. I tell "J" that I'm not busting my ass to get to BK for 5p when I know that I'm not getting out of that function until about 12 and then have to take an hour and a half ride back home. No way.

Of course now everyone is saying how messed up I am. Selfish. But ya know what. If it was so important for me to be there "C" would have called me instead of playing telephone. So I think "C" and I are doing the talking but not talking thing.

Bored as hell....

2005-08-24T17:05:00.000-04:00

Today is such a boring day I have truly nothing to blog about. I should be studying for my spreadsheet test. But here I am blogging like I have nothing better to do. I really need to be doing something. Nah...I continue to surf and talk to my *B*.

The prince is a trip....

2005-08-23T17:43:00.000-04:00

When I get home and the first thing the Prince wants to do is sit up in my lap and read me a story. I usually agree to this request. But last night he decides that he wants to stay awake because he wants to spend time with me. I let him know that it is past his bed time (I don't mind if he stays up till I get home but when I do, it is one story and then bed), he informed me that since he doesn't see me much anymore nor do we really spend time together I should let him stay up. Now if that didn't hurt me to the soul! I didn't even know what to say to him. It just broke my heart and nearly made me cry. I can't quit my jobs because I need the money and I can't have my growing prince feel like that. I just don't know what to do. This just ain't fair. I put all my shit on hold for others when their kids were younger. And now that I am looking for the same help it just ain't there. I am not expecting anyone to put their life on hold for me but damn just a little help. I have to figure something out. I want my little prince to see that women can work and support themselves but I dont want him to think that they have to give up family to do it. WOE IS ME!!!